Sunday, March 1, 2009

Math Is Hard, Part III


I can do this. Just think it through...

People are starting to doubt that I can spend all these additional trillions of dollars while still cutting the deficit. And not just the people holding those strange "tea parties" where they don't even drink any tea. It's like when I complained about Bush's irresponsible spending back during the campaign, they actually thought I meant we should be spending less. Weird.

I'm a smart guy, and if I can't do this, who will? Geithner? That guy can't even keep his own taxes straight.

I swear, it's like there's no way to win, at least not without spending less money. And we all know
that's not going to happen. So I guess the only thing left for me to do is change the conditions of the test, like Captain Kirk did in that movie, The Wrath of Montalban.

Change the conditions of the test...

I can do this. Just think it through...

I know, I'll hold a big press conference and radio address. CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, YouTube, all the networks will carry it. Even Fox. I'll announce my awesome new budget plan for 2010 and beyond, and I'll start by talking about all the dishonest government accounting during the Bush years. That way, people will know I'd never do anything like that, and they'll be really stoked with hope. I'll even call my super new budget plan "A New Era of Responsibility." I'll be the President of Awesome!

Then, I'll compare my amazing new budget plan with the 10-year costs of a bunch of absolute worst-case scenarios for things like Iraq. And the difference between the cost of my budget plan and the cost of those worst-case projections? I'll call that difference "savings," and presto, $2 trillion in deficit cuts without having to drop a single dollar in actual spending! All by changing the conditions of the test!

Hmmmm, even that's not enough to close all these new deficits I'm running up? Weird.

I know. The increased tax revenues we'll get from rolling back those awful Bush tax cuts? I'll call that "savings," too. It'll be like getting twice the bang for the buck. After all, if we don't have to borrow that money before we spend it, then we don't have to pay interest on it, and we can even count that interest as money being saved and cut from the deficit. It'll be like buying one of those $1,000 liquid crystal HDTVs instead of one of those $3,000 plasma screen HDTVs. You may think you're still out $1,000, but with all the credit-card interest you'll save on that other $2,000 you didn't pay, you actually just made a profit.

Hmmmm, I wonder what it would cost to buy Michelle one of those little Original Series Trek mini-dress uniforms? And to do it without Fox or the bloggers finding out. Or having to float any more Treasury notes to the Chinese...

Hmmmm...

Math is hard...