Monday, April 20, 2009

Susan Roesgen: The Lost Episode


KYRA PHILLIPS: Welcome back to CNN. I'm Kyra Phillips, with continuing coverage of the Tax Day Tea Party Protests. Let's go back on the scene with ace CNN reporter Susan Roesgen in Chicago. Susan, are you still with us?


SUSAN ROESGEN: It's hell on earth here, Kyra!

KYRA: Well, our viewers and right-thinking people everywhere appreciate your bravery and spunk, Susan.

SUSAN: Joan Allen is going to play me in the movie version of this day, Kyra!

KYRA: Susan, just in the time it took for our brief commercial break, your report has become infamous. It's been called unfair, untruthful, and a prime example of liberal media bias.

SUSAN: I'm a martyr for the truth, Kyra!

KYRA: And we thank you for it. Susan, I want to review your last report and give you a chance to respond to these many baseless accusations. Let's start at your courageous encounter with that man who claimed President Barack Obama was a fascist.


SUSAN: He had a picture of President Obama dressed up as Adolf Hitler, Kyra!

KYRA: The President of the United States being compared to Hitler? Shocking!

SUSAN: That's right, Kyra! Can you imagine?! This is absolutely unheard of in the annals of political protest, and every reporter has a duty to shine a light on such offensiveness!

KYRA: Weren't there also reports during the last administration of President George W. Bush being likened to Hitler during protests?

SUSAN: You mean President Bushitler?!

KYRA: Exactly.

SUSAN: Unconfirmed reports, Kyra! All of them!

KYRA: An urban legend, you might say.

SUSAN: That's right, Kyra! And those photographs were PhotoShopped!

KYRA: PhotoShop?

SUSAN: Spy software developed under a no-bid contract awarded to Haliburton!

KYRA: You heard it here first, people. Now, let's talk about your heroic encounter with that man who thought he understood what President Abraham Lincoln believed.


SUSAN: A true student of revisionist history, Kyra!

KYRA: My thoughts exactly. But tell us more of your thoughts.

SUSAN: He had his child with him, Kyra! And who brings their child to a protest?! Anti-abortion fanatics who want to blow up women's health clinics, Kyra, that's who!

KYRA: Fascinating reporting, Susan. My initial impression was simply that the child was there to soften the rough edges of his obvious political extremism.

SUSAN: As reporters, we need to dig beneath the surface, Kyra! And did you see that child?! Light hair! Light skin! Straight out of Central Casting for the Aryan Nation!

KYRA: This is mind-boggling, Susan. Are you saying that the Aryan Nation has been organizing and directing these Tax Day Tea Party protests?

SUSAN: And Fox News!

KYRA: Terrifying. Now, Susan, did you call the protesters "wimpy, whiny weasels" who "don't love their country"?

SUSAN: No, Kyra! That was iconic Democratic advisor Paul Begala!

KYRA: Did you say, "Let's be very honest about what this is about: It's not about bashing Democrats, it's not about taxes, they have no idea what the Boston Tea Party was about, they don't know their history at all. This was about hating a black man in the White House ... This is racism straight up. That is nothing but a bunch of tea-bagging rednecks and there is no way around that"?

SUSAN: No, Kyra! That was progressive political darling Janeane Garofalo!

KYRA: What about "The limbic brain of a right-winger or Republican or conservative or your average white power activist ... is much larger in their head space than in a reasonable person and it's pushing against the frontal lobe so their synapses are misfiring"?

SUSAN: Janeane Garofalo again! Where is that woman's Oscar, Kyra?!

KYRA: I've wondered that myself, Susan. But getting back on topic, how did you describe this protest?

SUSAN: Kyra, I called the protest anti-government, anti-Democrat, andi-CNN, and anti-Obama. That this was, in fact, a party for "Obama bashers"!

KYRA: Right after your interview, though, didn't one protestor point out an actual anti-Republican sign in the crowd?


SUSAN: As I told that racist, synapse-misfiring threat to a decent America, that sign and all the others like it were not in my field of view!

KYRA: Even though it was right behind you, right in the front, at the very start of your interview, Susan?

SUSAN: Do I look like I have eyes in the back of my head, Kyra?! I was watching the camera, not the protest I was reporting on!

KYRA: Excellent point, Susan. So in no way did you mischaracterize this protest by picking out a few fringe views and then applying those to the protestors as a whole?

SUSAN: I'm a martyr for the truth, Kyra! Like Janeane and Paul! Jennifer Aniston is going to play the younger me in all the flashbacks during the movie version of this day!


KYRA: Susan, some have asserted, incredibly enough, that these tea parties are in fact a true grass roots movement of public discontent with the largest fiscal deficits in the history of the world and not some thinly disguised tool of shadowy, behind-the-scenes, far-right fat cats.

SUSAN: Grass roots, Kyra?! Do these people look like the grass roots in your neighborhood?!

KYRA: Well, I --

SUSAN: And didn't you hear what Janeane said?! The president is black!

KYRA: At this point, Susan, I just try to get through the day without bad mouthing my sister-in-law on national television because I walked into the ladies' room without realizing my microphone was still live.

SUSAN: You're a martyr for hygiene, Kyra!

KYRA: Respect from my peers means everything to me, Susan. Any final thoughts on your experience today?


SUSAN: Only that the talented professionals over at MSNBC stole all my adolescent sexual "teabagging" jokes, which were going to make up the bulk of my mockery during this second segment!

KYRA: Once again, that's ace CNN reporter Susan Roesgen, reporting live from the Tax Day Tea Party protest in Chicago. Enjoy your previously planned vacation, Susan.

SUSAN: Get me out of here, Kyra! These average, everyday Americans with minds of their own scare me!

KYRA: They scare all of us here at CNN, Susan. They scare us all.

SUSAN: Save me!!!!