Monday, May 4, 2009

Open Audition: White House Press Secretary

In the White House Press Room, with Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, an aide, and several members of the White House press corps...

RAHM: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for accepting my invitation to participate in these auditions for a new White House Press Secretary. Let's face facts. You will never be fully trusted by the American public unless you're seen standing up to a worthy opponent. And the Obama administration needs a Democratic version of Tony Snow. Hopefully, we can find a suitable replacement for Robert Gibbs within the next few moments.

AIDE: The candidates are ready, Mr. Emanuel.

RAHM: Send the first one in.


RAHM: Your name?

JAYNE: Uh, Jayne Cobb.

RAHM: Nice play on gender. I like it. You would definitely help with our diversity goal.

JAYNE: Can't say I see the percentage in that.

RAHM: Not your job. What qualifications do you have for this office, Jayne?

JAYNE: I'm not much good with words. Never really use them much myself.

RAHM: Strong and direct. Quiet credibility. That would be a welcome change. But I have to ask, what's with the gun, Jayne?

JAYNE: Six men came to kill me one time. And the best of 'em carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock. Customized trigger, double-cartridge through gauge. It is my very favorite gun.

RAHM: That'll play well in the Red States! Good thinking! Jake Tapper, ask your audition question.

TAPPER: Mr. Cobb, it's been reported that Steve Rattner, the leader of the Auto Industry Task Force, threatened an investment bank with using the White House press corps to destroy its reputation, because the bank was refusing to agree to the administration's bankruptcy plan for Chrysler.

JAYNE: This question gives me an uncomfortableness.

TAPPER: What was the administration thinking when they did this?

JAYNE: Let's be bad guys?

TAPPER: So you're confirming this occurred?

JAYNE: I'm sure that would seriously disturb the administration's calm, you guys writing "Dear Diary, today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. And today we were kidnapped by Auto Industry Task Force hillfolk, never to be seen again."

RAHM: Excellent use of gallows humor to defuse tension! We'll get back to you!

JAYNE: I'll be in my bunk.

RAHM: Next!


RAHM: Mr. Vice President, we've talked about this.

BIDEN: Come on, Rahm! "Nobody messes with Joe!"

RAHM: Mr. Vice President --

BIDEN: What about when I gave that great flu advice, Rahm? People loved that!

RAHM: Mr. Vice President --

BIDEN: And that last guy you had in here, you know I probably have a much higher IQ than he does!

RAHM: Mr. Vice President --

BIDEN: I can do this song and dance!

RAHM: Mr. Vice President --

BIDEN: Come on, Rahm! You know Cheney ruined this job for me! Nobody lets the Vice President do anything these days!

RAHM: Joe! Enough! Your job is keep Arlen Specter in line! Now go do it!

BIDEN: (grumbling) Hillary would've been much better for Vice President than me...

RAHM: Next!


RAHM: And your name is?

TERMINATOR: I'm a friend of Sarah Connor.

RAHM: Yes, I know. She wrote you a very interesting letter of recommendation.

TERMINATOR: Sarah Connor?

RAHM: Yes, Sarah Connor.

TERMINATOR: I'm a friend of Sarah Connor.

RAHM: I see where you're going with this. Nice ability to stay on message. I like that.

TERMINATOR: Sarah Connor?

RAHM: Repeat the talking point, and then repeat the talking point again. I like that! And another gun that will play well with the Red States, too! Chip Reid, Please ask your question.

CHIP: I'd really rather not.

TERMINATOR: Do you know Sarah Connor?

CHIP: I really don't.

TERMINATOR: I'm a friend of Sarah Connor.

RAHM: You're doing great, Big Guy. Now, Chip, ask your question.

CHIP: Okay... Um...

TERMINATOR: Do you know Sarah Connor?

CHIP: No! No! I do not know Sarah Connor!... Okay... Keep it together... Mr. Press Secretary, President Obama continues to receive criticism for his warm handshake with Hugo Chavez during the Summit of the Americas. Is the administration reconsidering its approach to these kinds of diplomatic overtures?


TERMINATOR: Talk to the hand.

RAHM: Brilliant! Totally defuses the question! You, sir, are a very funny guy!

TERMINATOR: I kill.

RAHM: And you completely cowed a respected member of the White House press corps! Gibbs was never able to do that!

TERMINATOR: I'm a friend of Sarah Connor.

RAHM: I can see why! Jake Tapper, ask this guy a second question!

TAPPER: I'd really rather not.

RAHM: Ask him a second question!

TAPPER: Um... All right... Mr. Press Secretary, following up on my original question, what did Steve Rattner actually say to the secured Chrysler creditors?

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you want to live.

RAHM: Ooooooooooooooo, serious misstep, Big Guy. That's just a little too much potential honesty to have to ever walk back.

TERMINATOR: I'm a friend of Sarah Connor.

RAHM: And that alone will definitely keep you in the running.

TERMINATOR: I'll be back.

RAHM: Yes, you will. Next!