Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Arab Street, with Barack and Hillary


"This, Barack, is the notorious Arab Street. A land of seething rage and unemployment --"

"Rage and unemployment? You mean like Ohio? My poll numbers are taking a real beating in Ohio, what with all that unemployment the stimulus was supposed to prevent."

"No, Barack, I don't mean like Ohio. I mean a land of conspiracy theories --"

"Conspiracy theories? You mean like the vast right-wing conspiracy? I didn't know Limbaugh's show was broadcast in the Middle East, too. Maybe I can do some outreach with the Chinese and explain how helpful it would be if they could take out his satellite --"

"No, Barack, I don't mean like the vast right-wing conspiracy, or Rush Limbaugh. I mean conspiracies like the Jews brought down the Twin Towers on 9/11 to make the Arabs look bad, use the blood of Palestinian children to bake matzo, that sort of thing."

"Oh."

"Oh, indeed. Now, the thing to know about the Arab Street, Barack, is that it always threatens to explode and engulf the entire Middle East in utter chaos whenever the United States even thinks about saying or doing anything."

"I have deep concern about this Arab Street, Hillary. Tell me, how can we keep from offending this Street so that it will never explode?"

"You're missing the point, Barack."

"No, I can see the talking points on the teleprompter just fine."

"Barack, listen to your secretary of state. Administrations always worry that the Arab Street will explode in some giant catastrophe, but it never actually does. Even the War in Iraq didn't set it off like we always feared. Instead, we got the Cedar Revolution of 2005 in Lebanon, when the average people rose up, forced the Syrian troops occupying their country to withdraw, and brought down the pro-Syrian puppet government."

"I'd like to meet the community organizer who put that one together!"

"Barack --"

"No, no, I hear you, Hillary. You're saying that I don't need to base my every word and policy around fear of the Arab Street."

"Yes, Barack. Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying."

"Because when the Lebanese people rose up against their occupier and oppressor, the Syrians, that was a good thing."

"Yes, Barack. It was a very good thing."

"Because if the people of Lebanon were to do something like that today, it could really mess up my outreach to the Syrians, like how all those Iranians taking to the streets for freedom and justice these last few weeks are throwing such a big honkin' monkey wrench into my awesome engagement strategy with the ayatollahs who rule them. And then I'd have the Arab Street and the Persian Street to worry about."

"...theonlystreetyouneedtoworryaboutisMainStreet,Barack..."

"You say something, Hill?"

"Nothing, Barack. Nothing."

"I didn't think so."

"...whydidIevertakethisjob?..."