Monday, July 6, 2009

SUMMER REPEAT: Larry King Live: The Lost Episode

KING: Welcome back to Larry King Live!

KING: Please welcome our next guest, Al-Qaeda Number Two and international terrorist mastermind, Ayman al-Zawahiri!

ZAWAHIRI: Thank you very much, Larry. Death to America.

KING: Ayman, let me begin with the same question I asked former Secretary General of the United Nations Kofi Annan in the last segment. Have you seen Bolt yet?


KING: Bolt. That movie about the dog who plays a superhero on TV, only he thinks his TV show is real life.

ZAWAHIRI: Dogs are unclean creatures—

KING: Well, it's not a real dog.

ZAWAHIRI: You just said it was a dog.

KING: It's an animated dog. A special effect.

ZAWAHIRI: Oh! Like the planes flying into the Twin Towers! Continue, mild-mannered butcherer of innocent babies.

KING: Speaking of babies—Broadway babies, that is—I once saw Chita Rivera playing Guinevere in the musical Camelot

ZAWAHIRI: A decadent production of a Satanic culture. Death to America.

KING: —with a touring company in Peshawar. Did you see that production, Ayman?

ZAWAHIRI: I would have beheaded the lot of them, Larry.

KING: The reviews were bad, I admit. The Peshawarians just didn't seem to grasp the irony of a Latina playing King Arthur's lady love.

ZAWAHIRI: Your gentle demeanor and softball questions will not save you from the next bomb, Larry.

KING: Well, I always like to be included. And on that note, let's welcome back to the discussion funnyman and political commentator Bill Maher.

MAHER: Thanks, Larry.

ZAWAHIRI: Bill Maher!

MAHER: Doctor al-Zawahiri.

ZAWAHIRI: Bill Maher!

MAHER: Uh, Ayman.

ZAWAHIRI: I am such a fan, Bill! I would shake your wicked hand right now if I could!

KING: Ayman, you're a fan of Real Time with Bill Maher?

ZAWAHIRI: That's correct, you son of a dog and a monkey.

MAHER: I must say I'm a bit surprised here.

ZAWAHIRI: Oh, no! No! Bill, when you said the 9/11 hijackers were brave men, you gained so many fans in the Caliphate!

MAHER: That's not exactly what I said, Ayman.

ZAWAHIRI: Semantics! Besides, we have all your movies on DVD! Even that made-for-sinful-TV one!

KING: Which one is that, Ayman?

MAHER: Uh, Larry—

ZAWAHIRI: The one where the bumbling cop in the future has a deep inferiority complex, because his great-grandfather—that's you, Bill Maher!—was the one who invented all the bumbling cop's invincible future police thingymabobs!

MAHER: I don't really remember—

ZAWAHIRI: And then the bumbling cop chases Adam Ant back into the past and meets you, Bill Maher! Only you are really a doofus off-spring of sad camels, and all your so-called "inventions" were the hickymadoos that your own great-grandson brought back through time! A paradox! Quantum Death to America!

KING: Are you a fan of Heroes, Ayman?

ZAWAHIRI: Not after the first season. What happened to that show?

MAHER: I once saved a cheerleader at the Playboy mansion.

ZAWAHIRI: Oh, Bill! You are a rutting ferret of amusement!

KING: Ayman, would you make the cheerleader from Heroes one of your wives?

ZAWAHIRI: I already did!

KING: (laughter)

MAHER: (laughter)

ZAWAHIRI: (laughter)

MAHER: So, Ayman, tell me, just how stupid is George Bush?

ZAWAHIRI: Ask Osama! If you can find him!

KING: (laughter)

MAHER: (laughter)

ZAWAHIRI: (laughter)

MAHER: Ayman, I'd get you a spot at the Laugh Factory, but you might not get a visa.

ZAWAHIRI: Who cares? I'll just walk across the southern border from Mexico!

KING: (laughter)

MAHER: (laughter)

ZAWAHIRI: (laughter)

KING: Ayman, do you think funnyman Jeff Dunham's ventriloquist dummy "Ahmed, the Dead Terrorist" is culturally insensitive?

ZAWAHIRI: Oh, no! No! We love Ahmed! He is our version of your own incompetent George Bush, just more lovable!

KING: George—

ZAWAHIRI: "Silence! I keeeeell you!"

MAHER: Ayman—

ZAWAHIRI: "Silence! I keeeeell you, too!"

KING: Well, then. Maybe—

ZAWAHIRI: We have this guy in our cave, Abdullah. He cracks us up. He's a ventriloquist, too. Only his doll is "Barack, the House Slave"—

MAHER: Whoa!

KING: Hold on there!

MAHER: Did you just call the President-Elect of the United States a "house slave"?

ZAWAHIRI: Of course.

MAHER: You actually mean Clarence Thomas, right?

ZAWAHIRI: I know not this infidel.

MAHER: Condie Rice?

ZAWAHIRI: What is your problem here, Bill?

KING: Ayman, we don't stand for that kind of language in this country.

ZAWAHIRI: What? House slave?

MAHER: That's racism, Ayman! How dare you?!

ZAWAHIRI: But I've been saying "Death to America" this whole time.

KING: I know, Ayman, but "house slave"?

MAHER: Words hurt, Ayman.

ZAWAHIRI: But I call you all infidels who must be killed horribly in the name of Allah.

MAHER: There's still no need to use the "H" and the "S" words.

ZAWAHIRI: What? House slave?

KING: Ayman! Don't make me snap my suspenders at you!

ZAWAHIRI: What is wrong with you Crusaders?!

MAHER: Nothing that 8 years of George W. Bush didn't cause!

ZAWAHIRI: But I've killed thousands of your countrymen, and even more of my own religion! I reject your imperialist concept of civilians! I use children as human shields! And "house slave" is what gets your Western panties in a bunch?

MAHER: I wear a thong, buddy!

KING: It's true. He showed me in the green room.

ZAWAHIRI: This interview is over. Death to America! And cable television!

[Ayman leaves.]

MAHER: Well, Larry. I think our friend Ayman needs some sensitivity training.

KING: Agreed, Bill.

MAHER: He's like Strom Thurmond in a turban.

KING: And on that note, coming up next on Larry King Live, Clay Aiken talks about his new role in the touring company of Camelot...