Thursday, August 6, 2009

Things I've Learned from Barbara Boxer

Like Americans in all states, we in California have two senators. They both have names as well: Dianne Feinstein, and Barbara Boxer. Both are Democrats, because, well, this is California. Both also have additional names that I've given them. Diane Feinstein, for example, is "The Adult I Generally Disagree With."

Barbara Boxer is "That Other One."

Whether it's objecting to Brig. Gen. Michael Walsh of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers for using the polite honorific "Ma'am" during testimony before her committee (I can't wait to see Senator Al Franken tell Gen. Walsh, "Call me Senator, not Sir! I recounted hard to get this title!"), or telling Harry Alford, President and CEO of the Black Chamber of Commerce, that he should change his mind about opposing the cap-and-trade bill not because of the facts but because the NAACP and the CEO of 100 Black Men of Atlanta disagree with him (and having no problem with Alford calling her "Ma'am"), or outdoing Joe Biden for the title "Blowhard of the Senate" by spending 7 minutes and 39 seconds to ask a single question (Gen. Petraeus, who had come back from Iraq to answer the Senate's questions, had to answer later. In writing), "That Other One" makes me wish I had more time for blogging, because she never fails to make me proud to be a former (and hopefully future) Pennsylvanian. And to entertain as well as instruct.

Like she did earlier today...

Rarely have I learned so much in only 58 seconds...

1) The anger and frustration of their constituents that our elected representatives are currently experiencing all across this nation isn't an honest, grassroots reflection of real anger and real frustration at the largest deficits in history and a badly constructed health reform plan, it's "organized" by "The Website." (Fear The Website!)

2) The proof this is all "organized" and not an actual, grassroots expression of real opinions and beliefs to the representatives they elected is that these people are "well dressed." Because a true grassroots protest must involve grass stains on the worn knees of the shabby clothes of the downtrodden. And large puppets. (Naked, middle-aged protesters inflating their scrotum are still optional. I hope.)

3) "Well dressed" people have no honestly held opinions or values of their own, because "well dressed" people disagreed with her during the Florida recount in 2000, when she tried to stop them from stealing an election. Barbara Boxer, of course, tried to stop this election-stealing while wearing a stained wife-beater and crocs.

4) Well-dressed people with good organizational skills really only care about "hurting" President Obama personally, because a former community organizer with a filibuster-proof Senate and a huge majority in the House who still can't get cap-and-trade and health reform through Congress on his own schedule just induces so much jealousy. Like that popular kid in high school who had the hot girlfriend, the one who stayed with him even after you put up that really bitchin' website listing all the reasons why he was actually a putz and she would be so much better off with you. (Fear The Website!)

5) The phrase Ronald Reagan is a hypnotic trigger of shame. Like the phrase Leave it! is for my dog.

I can't wait to vote against her in 2010...

UPDATE: "How to Dress Like an 'Authentic' Grass-Roots Activist" (language warning!)

UPDATE II: "Dress for Redress: Exurban League's Guide to Protest Wear."

UPDATE III: Iowahawk shows how to tell the difference between a true, uncoordinated grass-roots protesters and scary, reactionary infiltrators dancing on the strings of their special-interest puppet-masters!