Saturday, August 8, 2009

White House Phone Logs: President Obama Calls Deloris Nissen

"Hello, is this Deloris Nissen, retired nurse's aide and former Kmart employee, who was raised on a farm near Audobon?... It is?... Excellent! Deloris, this is President Barack Obama... Really, it is... Seriously... Now, I just read that you're selling both of your television sets because you're tired of seeing me on every channel and station whenever you turned one of them on. Obviously, this will leave you at the mercy of fishy disinformation from right-wing obstructionist groups and lobbyists paid for by fat-cat health care CEOs, so... How did I get your number? I assume Rahm got it from Information or something. Now, let me assure you... Deloris, calm down... I said calm down. And let me assure you that by spending more money on health care, we will actually save money, and that nothing about your specific health care that you currently receive through the model-if-still-currently-doomed-to-bankruptcy Medicare program will change, other than you'll get a plethora of new benefits paid for with new money from only the richest five percent of Americans and borrowed from... Deloris, seriously, calm down... I said calm down... Now, Deloris, I've really had enough of this manufactured anger over my awesome health care reform proposals, and... Yes, I said manufactured anger... That's right. Astroturfed, manufactured anger. You think a former community organizer doesn't know manufactured anger when he sees it?... Oh, you better believe I'm talking to you, Deloris, so let me be perfectly -- Hello?... Deloris?... Hello?..."