Wednesday, August 12, 2009

White House Phone Logs: President Obama Calls the New Black Panthers

"Hello? Is this the New Black Panthers?... It is?... Excellent! New Black Panthers, this is President Barack Obama... Really, it is... Seriously... Now, I just wanted to call and... How did I get your number? I assume Rahm got it from your Justice Department file... Yes, your DOJ file. That's why I'm calling. I wanted to apologize for the Justice Department filing that voter intimidation suit against you. Seriously, I don't see how anyone could possibly think that a couple of big guys standing in front of a polling place while wearing paramilitary uniforms, waving a nightstick, and calling themselves 'security' might be intimidating. Asking for a photo ID inside to prove you're actually the person on the voter rolls you say you are, that's voter intimidation!... You got that right!... Yes... Yes, it was lucky that person-who-still-remains-nameless dropped the case after actually winning a default judgment against you, because you never even bothered to show up in court... Yes... So listen, I had a second reason for this call. You know about those angry, unhelpful mobs protesting against my health care reform plan at the town hall meetings, right?... Yes, those ones... So here's the thing. Since those Service Employees International Union members beat up that Ken guy in St. Louis, people have started watching out for them, so the SEIU can no longer fulfill their assigned role in the usual quiet, under-the-radar manner, so to speak. And since you guys already have experience with providing, ah, 'security,' I was thinking... Yes... Exactly... No, I'm sorry. This would be strictly an independent contractor type deal. No health benefits would be provided by the White Hou -- Hello?... Hello?... Rahm, did somebody trip over the phone cord and pull it out of the wall socket or something?... Hello?..."