Tuesday, September 15, 2009

White House Phone Logs: President Obama Calls ACORN

"Hello? Is this ACORN?... It is?... Excellent! ACORN, this is President Barack Obama. I just wanted to call and say that you still have my unflagging support for all the good work that you do. Now, I know those two pesky little conservative undercover film-makers have your employees on videotape promoting tax fraud, giving advice about how to run a brothel filled with underage Salvadoran girls brought into this country illegally, and suggesting how to launder money from turning tricks so the funds can be used as political campaign contributions, but that doesn't mean... No, I saw the video from Baltimore... You mean there's more than one?... ACORN employees did the same thing on videotape without batting an eyelash in the Washington, D.C., and New York offices, too? I see... And in the San Bernardino office? Really?... And the employee at the San Bernardino office talked about threatening someone's life to make sure they don't talk? Are you kidding me?... Well, yes, I would say this is a pretty serious problem for you... Well, I'm sorry, but it is. So what's your plan for damage control?... You're going to say the tapes are doctored and edited, blame Glenn Beck and Fox News and racism for a smear campaign, but fire the ACORN employees who are shown on the tapes?... Frankly, no, I don't see the wisdom of that approach... Because your denying the charges at the same time your actions are admitting them. Even my silver tongue can't pull off something this outrageous... Now, don't go bringing my polls numbers into the conversation. That's just gratuitous... Because we're talking about 13-year-old girls from another country being forced into a life of prostitution, that's why... Because we're supposed to be working against that sort of thing... No, no. No, you're right. I called to pep you up. So where as I?... *ahem*... Now, I know the U.S. Census Bureau has dropped your participation in the 2010 count, and the Senate just voted 83-7 to block any further ACORN funding, but that doesn't mean... No, I didn't know even Barbara Boxer voted to block your funding... Yes, when you've lost Barbara Boxer, you really are in quite the... No. No, don't cry... Really. Don't cry... It's not that bad. Almost all of the major media outlets are still ignoring this whole story, right?... Silver lining, yes... Accentuate the positive, yes... And if the major media outlets do start reporting on this, I promise I'll give a major speech saying that I could no more disown ACORN than I could my own grandmother, just like the one I did for my pastor of 20 years, Rev. Jeremiah Wright... Well, yes, I suppose I did disown Rev. Wright just a few weeks later. What's your point?... Hello?... ACORN?... Hello?..."