"Thank you for having me back on the show yet again, Conan. I appreciate this chance to clarify my latest remarks at the climate summit in Copenhagen."
"That would be, and I quote, 'These figures are fresh. Some of the models suggest to Doctor [Wieslav] Maslowski that there is a 75 percent chance that the entire north polar ice cap, during the summer months, could be completely ice-free within five to seven years.'"
"That's right, Conan."
"And then Doctor Maslowski said about your comment, and I quote, 'It’s unclear to me how this figure was arrived at. I would never try to estimate likelihood at anything as exact as this.”
"So you were wrong."
"Not in the slightest, Conan. You see, Dr. Maslowski is not really Dr. Maslowski, at least not anymore. The real Dr. Maslowski was recently replaced by a semi-intelligent, pod-borne doppelganger."
"A pod-borne doppelganger? You mean like in that movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers?"
"Frightening but true, Conan. Only instead of being from outer space, these pods are a rare, tropical species now relentlessly spreading across our doomed Earth's doomed temperate zones as a direct result of unchecked anthropogenic global warming. Much like how malaria will soon be epidemic in Britain."
"Even more terrifying, these ghastly pod creatures have a vested interest in preventing us from tackling the threat that is man-made global warming. Their vile facsimiles of our human vocal apparatus will say literally anything, no matter how outrageous, to prevent an agreement in Copenhagen."
"Don't these creatures know the debate is over?"
"Apparently not, Conan. But then, they are pods."
"So if we listen to this doppelganged former scientist, our choice will be death from malaria or replacement by a pod? That's quite the devil's bargain!"
"No, Conan. That's science."