Friday, December 11, 2009

Conan and Al Talk ClimateGate


"Thank you for having me back on the show again, Conan. I appreciate this chance to clarify those remarks I recently made about this nonsensical, so-called 'ClimateGate' scandal."

"That would be the thousands of documents hacked from the Climate Research Unit at the University of East Anglia, correct?"

"That's right, Conan. You see, many anti-science right-wing zealots have latched onto my comment that I hadn't actually read all the e-mails before declaring that this supposed controversy was nothing more than a lot of 'sound and fury signifying nothing.'"

"Ha!"

"Ha!"

"HA! So you really did read all those e-mails."

"Well... No... What I actually read, Conan, is what's known in the scientific community as the Abstract."

"The Abstract? Sounds vague."

"Not in the slightest, Conan. You see, the Abstract is what real scientists read instead of the actual study. Because the Abstract gives you the conclusions of that study without wasting your time on all those caveats, uncertainties, and potential problems with the study's methods and results, which the Patriot Act requires the full article to include in truly unconstitutional detail."

"What an invasion of privacy!"

"It's the Republican War on Science, Conan."

"And how! But then you made another comment that also raised some eyebrows, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did, Conan. You see, many anti-science right-wing zealots have latched onto my claim that all the e-mails in this hacked material are more than 10 years old, even though the most recent e-mail was actually sent on November 12th of this year."

"So you were wrong."

"Hardly, Conan. As Albert Einstein discovered, time is relative. It can flow at different rates depending on your velocity. So what was ten years ago to all of us was also November 12, 2009, to the distinguished researcher who sent that e-mail, because he was moving through the universe at a different velocity than we were."

"Wow! You must have invented some serious quantum servers to go along with that Internet thing of yours!"

"I certainly did, Conan. And anyone who says differently is just an anti-Einstein denier, funded by the Newtonian-industrial complex."

"So there really is nothing to worry about in all those e-mails and that computer climate modeling code that doesn't actually work."

"I'm sorry, Conan, but did you just say there was actual bad computer climate modeling code in this hacked material, too?"

"Tons of it."

"Really? I wonder why that wasn't in the Abstract?"