Tuesday, February 2, 2010

CNN Presents "Mike the Situation's Room"

This is CNN, formerly the most trusted name in news...

MIKE: Hey, what’s up, everyone! This is Mike “The Situation”! So C-effin'-N got into this ratings pickle with that Wolf Blitzkrieg guy, and they turned over The Situation Room to me, Mike "The Situation," and all my friends from MTV's Jersey Shore! So let’s get crazy!

MIKE: First up, have we been having some crazy weather or what? Here's an on-the-spot report from my gal Snooki. What’s the situation, Snooks?

SNOOKI: It’s crazy, Mike! I’ve been to six bars all up and down the boardwalk, and not one hot guy has tried to pick me up! The weather is cold out here!

MIKE: That’s crazy, Snickers!

SNOOKI: I know! I got my girls hangin’ out and everythin'!

MIKE: Did you do that lil' dance of yours? The one with that backflip that shows everyone your g-string?

SNOOKI: I did! And I got nothin’! It ain’t rainin’ men here, Mike!

MIKE: That’s my gal Snicks, with a special report on the extreme weather we been havin’. Now let’s get crazy on the dance floor!

MIKE: Man, did you see that? That was crazy, man! Now -- Oh, what the eff! Creepy Stalker Producer Chick is stalkin' me through this effin' earpiece thing again, and she will not shut! up! unless I get to our crazy political round table. So here with the Democratic position is my guy Pauly D, because his name ends with "D," like in Democrat. Fist pumps!

PAULY D: Yo! Fist pumps!

MIKE: Now Creepy Stalker Producer Chick says we gotta represent both effin' sides, so here with the Republican position is my guy Ronnie.

RONNIE: What's up?

MIKE: You're an effin' D-bag Republican, Ronnie, that’s what’s up!

PAULY D: Where’s your teabag, Ronnie?!

RONNIE: I could snap both you guys like twigs, you know that?

MIKE: Whoa, stifle down that Republican War-Mongery Talk, Ronnie! So Barack Obama had some big effin' State of the Country address or somethin' last week. Pauly D, what's your thoughts?

PAULY D: Very disappointin’ speech, Mike. I had my Obama Drinking Game Card all ready, and he didn’t say none of those things on that effin' card! No “Let me be clear”! No “not helpful”! I was stone sober the whole frickin' time!

MIKE: That’s crazy!

PAULY D: I know!

MIKE: So what -- Hey, Creepy Stalker Producer Chick! We're talkin' here! -- Sorry, guys. Creepy Stalker Producer Chick says we gotta move on to health care reform. What's the effin' situation with that frickin' mess? Pauly D?

PAULY D: Well, Mike, the situation's this. The O-man and his Democrats are like a house full of guidos at the Jersey Shore.

MIKE: Whoa, Pauly D! Creepy Stalker Producer Chick says we can't use that word.

PAULY D: What word? Guido? That's crazy!

MIKE: I know!

RONNIE: Yeah! Doesn't Creepy Stalker Producer Chick know we make Eye-talians look effin' awesome?!

MIKE: I know! And speaking of awesome, let's all get crazy in the hot tub! Fist pumps!


MIKE: That was crazy, man!

PAULY D and RONNIE: Fist pumps!

MIKE: Pauly D, you were sayin' about this health care reform thing gettin' passed?

PAULY D: Here's the situation, Mike. It's like when you're out crawlin' with your wingman, and he hooks up with this really hot chick, right? I mean, just smokin' hot. But she has this friend, see, and this friend just ain't so fine, you know? So sometimes, as a friend, you just gotta fall on that grenade, you know what I mean, so that your boy can reach the promised land of free parkin'. And that's the deal here. These Democrats in Congress just gotta fall on the frickin' grenade so their boy Obama can effin' get some!

MIKE: Great effin' punditry, Pauly D! Ronnie, what do you think?

RONNIE: Man, Obama wants to make us all buy our own health insurance, and he’ll smack us down with some big effin' fine if we don’t!

PAULY D: That’s crazy! He was supposed to give it to us!

RONNIE: I know!

MIKE: Al'right, al'right! Creepy Stalker Producer Chick wants us to move on again. So what about this new jobs bill thing Mr. Cool kept talkin’ about?

PAULY D: It ain’t another stimulus, Mike. The Big O said so.

RONNIE: Dude, you can call your tequila shot a Jaeger Bomb, but it’s still just an effin' shot of tequila.

MIKE: Well said, Ronnie. That completes our political round table, so let’s get crazy on the dance floor again!

MIKE: Did you see that? That was crazy, man! And now with a special report from Haiti via the Duck Phone is Special Correspondent Vinnie.

VINNIE: Hey, what’s up, Mike?

MIKE: Creepy Stalker Producer Chick won’t stop screamin’ in my ear, Vinnie. It's like we're married or somethin'. So what’s the situation down in Haiti?

VINNIE: Club Haiti is crazy, man! The drinks are overpriced! Some Irish guy puked all over the effin' floor! And Ladies’ Night is a complete frickin' bust!

MIKE: Vinnie, you were supposed to go Haiti the country!

VINNIE: Haiti the country? What’s the eff's goin’ on there?!

MIKE: Creepy Stalker Producer Chick says there was some big earthquake or somethin'. Buncha people got killed.

VINNIE: Dude! That’s crazy!

MIKE: I know! Fist pumps to Special Correspondent Vinnie, live on the Duck Phone from Club Haiti. Now let's welcome back my boy Pauly D, with the Man Groomin' Report.

MIKE: Fist pumps, Pauly! That’s all the time we have on this edition of Mike The Situation's Room. Come back tomorrow for even more crazy things. Have a crazy night, people. As for me, Mike "The Situation," I’m gonna go get me some of that Creepy Stalker Producer Chick original recipe action in the jacuzzi! FIST PUMPS!!!

This is C-effin'-N...