Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Off the Hook Republican Outreach at Club Voyeur

[As Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele continues to spin the damage resulting from $1,946 of RNC funds spent on “meals” at the bondage-themed Club Voyeur in West Hollywood, an anonymous source known only as "True Dom" has revealed to In My Copious Free Time that the reimbursement in question was actually for a new, “off the hook” outreach campaign targeting young, alternative voters. "True Dom" has also provided a copy of the actual paid political advertisement that would have aired during this now-aborted campaign...]

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Silence, voter! Attention will be paid!

FADE IN:


MISTRESS ONE: I am Mistress Moral Hazard.

MISTRESS TWO: And I'm Meghan McCain.

YOUNG VOTER IN CAGE: Yes, Mistress!

MISTRESS TWO: Silence! *thwack!*

MISTRESS ONE: Are you tired of politicians who think “safe word” is another name for “speech code”?

MISTRESS TWO: Do you secretly yearn for your own “enhanced" interrogation?

MISTRESS ONE: Are you sick of Nancy Pelosi telling you to sit down and shut up without ever once having asked if this was the scene you really wanted to play?

MISTRESS TWO: Are you tired of Washington treating you like its own... personal... gimp?

YOUNG VOTER IN CAGE: Yes, Mistress!

MISTRESS TWO: Silence! *thwack!* *thwack!*

MISTRESS ONE: Did the fact Laura Bush was a librarian give you a hidden thrill that you could never admit to your oh-so-hip friends?

MISTRESS TWO: Are you tired of Washington only giving you “bad” pain?

MISTRESS ONE: Do you have secret fantasies involving Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachman’s lap and a hairbrush?

MISTRESS TWO: Are you sick of being ignored by a political culture that thinks BDSM stands for Biden, Dingell, Stupak, and Pelosi?

YOUNG VOTER IN CAGE: That’s BDSP, Mistress!

MISTRESS TWO: Silence! *thwack!* *thwack!* *thwack!*

MISTRESS ONE: Do you prefer your three-pointed patriot's hat be made of leather?

MISTRESS TWO: Is the Tea Party just too vanilla for you?

MISTRESS ONE: Are you looking for the After Party that follows the Tea Party?

MISTRESS TWO: Then we order you to come join the Play Party instead!

MISTRESS ONE: The Republican Party.

MISTRESS TWO: The Play Party.

BOTH MISTRESSES: Inescapably shackled together, until Washington finally listens to our collective safe word.

This message paid for the Republican National Committee. All models were at least 18 years old and registered voters as required by 18 U.S.C. 2257 and the Motor Voter Act. RNC Chairman Michael Steele was not on-set at any time during filming. Really. We swear.