Monday, March 29, 2010

TNT Proudly Presents Season 9 of 24

TNT proudly announces it has acquired the rights to Season 9 of the recently cancelled, ground-breaking series 24. As a basic-cable channel lacking the resources of a major broadcast network, we acknowledge the many necessary changes may cause long-time viewers some initial discomfort. TNT remains certain, however, that Season 9 will deliver the same level of thrills, plot twists, and edge-of-your-seat action that true 24 fans demand...



Previously on 24...



MITT: Domestic right-wing tea-partying extremists have kidnapped Professor Savior and plan to use his enlightened, ethical mind to -- I’m sorry, Professor Savior? Isn’t that a bit obvious?

PRODUCER: It’s symbolic.

MITT: I get that. I just think it’s a little over the top, don’t you? And look at my name. Mitt McPalin?

PRODUCER: You’re a composite. Like that President of the Islamic Republic of Not-Iran in Season 8.

MITT: He wasn’t a composite. He was Ahmadinejad.

PRODUCER: And people loved him. A brave reformer following his convictions to make a comprehensive peace with the West while simultaneously saving his daughter from the nuclear-armed religious terrorism that we, as Americans, brought on ourselves by picking on Not-Iran in the first place? And that hair! What's not to love?

MITT: You were busting stereotypes.

PRODUCER: Exactly!

MITT: So my character will bust the stereotype of all Republicans being hate-filled, racist homophobes?

PRODUCER: Right up until Episode 4, when we reveal you’re actually behind the whole thing.


BAUER: WHERE IS PROFESSOR SAVIOR!!! TELL ME!!!

HATE-CRAZED DOMESTIC EXTREMIST: I ain’t sayin’ nuthin’!

BAUER: I WILL STICK YOUR HEAD IN THAT 10-GALLON JAR OF COSTCO MAYONNAISE OVER THERE AND --

HATE-CRAZED DOMESTIC EXTREMIST: Y’all don’ scare me! I’m clingin’ to my God and my gun!

BAUER: SO YOU THINK I CAN'T PULL OFF THIS ROLE?!?!?! DO YOU?!?!?! DO YOU REALLY THINK I CAN'T PULL OFF THIS ROLE AND EITHER SCARE OR TORTURE YOU INTO TALKING?!?!?!

HATE-CRAZED DOMESTIC EXTREMIST: I ain’t thinkin’ nuthin’!


NOT JON VOIGHT: Congress, the White House, and both political parties have betrayed this country. They’ve betrayed the American people. Spending money we don’t have, and saddling our unborn grandchildren with the ever-increasing debt. Ramming through badly written, unread, and unwanted bills in the dead of night. Taking ownership of a major corporation while simultaneously regulating its competitors. Treating our allies like our enemies, and our enemies like new friends. Nationalizing the entire student loan -- Guys? Hey, I’m sorry, but I’m supposed to be the villain here, right?


RENEE: I’m crazy, Jack! Do you hear me?! I’m crazy! And mean! I'm one crazy, mean FBI agent!

BAUER: I know what you’re going through, Renee. I can help get you past this.

RENEE: Got an informant?! I’ll cut his hand off! Got a lead?! I’ll stab him in the eye!

BAUER: Does this mean you’re finally ready to do what it takes to defend this country, and go undercover as a pole dancer?

RENEE: I’m crazy, Jack! Do you hear me?! And I’m mean! Just wait till you see what I do with that pole! Now give me your car keys! I want to go and [line deleted due to threatened legal action].


JACKIE BROYLES: Has Professor Savior finished that formula to turn all the biscotti in Berkeley into pretzels?

DUNLAP: All the biscotti into pretzels! Choke on that, America haters! You choke on those freedom pretzels and die!

JACKIE BROYLES: They all laughed their condescending liberal media elite laughs when George Dubya choked on a pretzel!

DUNLAP: They did, Jackie! But we'll see who's laughing now when the Culture Wars end today!


SAVIOR: I can’t allow my naturally selected, evolution-given abilities to be used for such evil. If I can only [tech] the [tech] and then [tech] the [tech] [tech] [tech], I should be able to --

PRODUCER: Cut! Sorry, Levi. Someone must have given you Bakula’s script by mistake.

SAVIOR: Hey, don’t take that away. I can sell these lines.

PRODUCER: No, Levi, you can’t.

SAVIOR: But you promised I’d have a chance to show America my real talent!

PRODUCER: Isn’t that what you did in Playgirl? *snicker*

SAVIOR: I thought you Hollywood people really liked me.

PRODUCER: You’re useful to us, Levi. Don’t confuse the two.

JACKIE BROYLES: So tell me, Levi, what was that fine American Sarah Palin really like?

DUNLAP: Want a pretzel, kid?


COLE: I don’t know about this undercover op, Jack. My intel from the MSNBC says that these extremists --

BAUER: MSNBC is not a government intelligence agency, Cole.

COLE: You’ve been out of the loop a long time, Jack. Since the bailouts, everything’s a government agency. The White House is just keeping it quiet for now to avoid a panic.

BAUER: MY GOD, COLE!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!?!?!

COLE: No, but I’m sure we don’t have time for you to tell me.

BAUER: WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR ME TO TELL YOU WHAT THIS MEANS!!! NOW PUT ON THAT THREE-POINTED HAT AND INFILTRATE THAT RALLY!!!

COLE: I swear to you, Jack, this op makes no sense! I’m the young Hispanic, and you’re the angry middle-aged white guy who lost everything protecting an ungrateful government that tried to put you in jail for saving thousands upon thousands of lives! YOU SHOULD BE WEARING THE DAMNED THREE-POINTED HAT, JACK!!!

BAUER: Fine. Now give me that fife and drum, too. If I'm going to defend this country, I'm going to defend it all the way...


BLONDE WHITE CHICK: You are all decadent products of a decadent culture! A culture of non-celebrity celebrity reality television zombies! PWAH! I spit on you, reality TV zombies! PWAH! And when I detonate this suicide vest -- Ooooo! These blocks of C4 really lift and separate! I look great!


BAUER: You were my best friend, Tony. I watched you die in Season 5, then come back to life in Season 7 as a bad guy, and then a good guy, and then a bad guy, and then a guy who didn’t care about good or bad and just wanted revenge for the death of your wife, your unborn son, and President David Palmer. Now, you want to tell me why you’re involved in this terrorist conspiracy, too?

TONY: I hate hipsters, Jack.

BAUER: WE ALL HATE HIPSTERS, TONY!!! THAT’S STILL NO REASON TO KILL OFF EVERY PROGRESSIVE VOTER IN THIS COUNTRY WITH GENETICALLY MODIFIED BISCOTTI!

TONY: Don’t you see, Jack?! Can’t you understand?! We’re making a better world! Even as we speak, Chinese hackers are commandeering every satellite currently streaming signal into the United States! And they’re going to rebroadcast Super Bowl XLIII on every channel!

BAUER: YOU MONSTERS!!!

TONY: That’s right, Jack! The last thing every self-styled, enlightened “progressive” is going to see as they choke to death on their own pretzel-laden self-righteousness and greener-than-thou bile will be a violent patriarchal microcosm of the imperialistic American expansion against the peaceful indigenous peoples of the New World!

BAUER: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, TONY?!?!?! DO YOU?!?!?

TONY: Of course I don't, Jack! I’m just killing time until the writers make me a good guy again so I can tell you how to stop it! And then I’ll say --

RENEE: I’m a mean, crazy FBI agent!

BAUER: STAND DOWN, RENEE!!! HE’S OUR ONLY LEAD!!!

Renee stabs Tony through the chest with the stripper pole.

BAUER: TONY!!! STAY WITH ME, TONY!!!

TONY: ...i’m sorry, jack...*cough*...but you can’t stop the rebirth of an idealized conservative america that never was...

BAUER: DAMN IT, TONY!!! I AM THE HERO OF CONSERVATIVE AMERICA!!! THEY WILL LISTEN TO ME!!!

TONY: ...you haven’t been the hero...*gurgle*...of conservative america since you went all soft and kind of nuanced in season 7, jack...

BAUER: WHAT ABOUT RENEE, TONY?!?!?! CONSERVATIVE AMERICA WILL STILL LISTEN TO RENEE!!!

TONY: ...maybe once...*ack*...but not now...*orp*...at least not since she got all weepy halfway through season 8...

BAUER: TONY!!!

RENEE: Is he dead yet? Give me your car keys, Jack. I want to go and [line deleted due to threatened legal action].


CHLOE: Par-tay in the server room! Par-tay -- Ow! My effin’ foot just got caught in a bear trap! And there’s a hungry cougar in the server room! A mole must have smuggled a hungry cougar and a bear trap into CTU and then put them in the server room while I tried to open a new protocol in my socket! Save me, Jack!


COUGAR: *squeak*


BAUER: WE’VE BEEN CANCELLED AGAIN?!?!?! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF --



(Full cast list here.)