Sunday, February 21, 2010

"Charlie Brooker's How to Report the News"

Quote of the Day

"I have been disqualified from a running race for running."

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Oh, Those Lily-White Tea Partiers!

Rather than addressing the skyrocketing federal deficits, massive bailouts, and a wasted Stimulus that are motivating the Tea Party movement, Keith Olbermann wonders, "Where are the people of color at the Tea Parties?"



Randy Haddock has an answer:



Oh, those lily-white Tea Partiers! When will they stop forcing people of color to speak in front of large crowds and to curious reporters, and allow them to attend an actual rally?!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Thank You, Neighbor!

Dear Neighbor,

Thank you so much for finally removing the withered husk of your former Halloween pumpkin from its display on your patio wall this past weekend!


Is it wrong for me to say I now miss it?

Sincerely,

Your Neighbor

"The Winter of Their Discontent"


(Click image to enlarge.)

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Pop Quiz: Lawrence O'Donnell Is An Angry, Angry Man Edition

Which of the following is the most outright cringe-inducing interview/debate/panel discussion meltdown by writer, producer, actor, political analyst, and "practical European socialist" Lawrence O'Donnell?

A) Lawrence O'Donnell vs. Marc Thiessen (MSNBC):



B) Lawrence O'Donnell vs. John O'Neill (MSNBC) (video apparently no longer available; full transcript available here):
“It's one of the many lies that the book advances. To me the most interesting lie, John O'Neill, that I would submit to you that you should answer, is, you make a lying claim that John Kerry's antiwar activity prolonged the amount of time that prisoners of war were held in Vietnam. . . . That's a lie, John O'Neill! Keep lying, it's all you do! . . . Lies! . . . Which is not in John O'Neill's book, 'cause it's a lie! . . . That's a lie! It's another lie! That's a lie! Absolute lie! You lie in that book endlessly! . . . You lie about documents endlessly! . . . You're just lying about it! And you lied about Thurlow's Bronze Star! You lied about it as long as you could until the New York Times found the wording of what was on the citation that you as a lying writer refused to put in your pack of lies! . . . Disgusting, lying book! . . . You have no standards, John O'Neill, as an author, and you know it! It's a pack of lies! You are unfit to publish! . . . He just lied to you! He spews out this filth! Point to his name on the report, you liar! Point to his name, you liar! . . . You just spew lies! . . . I just hate the lies of John O'Neill. I hate lies. It's not an argument; they're proven lies. . . . O'Neill's a liar, he's been a liar for 35 years about this, and he's found other liars [unintelligible]. . . . They lied! . . . They're lying somewhere! . . . Lies! Just tell me the initials, you liar! Creepy liar! . . . You are a liar who makes things up! . . . You want the lies! That's how you make your living, on lies!”
C) Lawrence O'Donnell vs. Dick Cheney (MSNBC):



D) Lawrence O'Donnell vs. Mitt Romney and "demented" Mormonism (PBS, though it should have been MSNBC):



E) Lawrence O'Donnell vs. Peter Schiff (MSNBC):



(Hint: As John Hinderaker says, "The people who run MSNBC are incapable of shame.")

"Beginning"?

Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) on President Barack Obama:

"He's beginning to not be believable to me."
Beginning?

Monday, February 8, 2010

I Want My Office Back

How many trips does it take a given set of roofers to fix the leak in my ceiling? Tomorrow will be their fifth time back, and I doubt it will be the last.

What a long and annoying two months this has been. I could accept that first leak with good humor. The ceiling had waited until I reached my desk for the day, after all, before the drip, drip, drip began to splash off my bookcase and onto the back of my neck, so I didn't lose any of the files I'd left out that night. And besides, the apartment on the other side of the wall had it much worse. My leak was just the overflow from the much greater deluge falling into their second bedroom.

So the roofers came, scaring the dog three-quarters to death with all their banging and scraping and putting down of new tar on the roof my building, but still the leak remained.

And after the next rain, the roofers came again, and still the leak remained.

And following the rain after that, the roofers came yet again, only this time, the leak didn't just remain. This time, the water found a way to flow down through the wall and under my carpet, forming large wet spots that kept growing in area like the blood-red color that flows across a map of Europe in some World War II documentary. Which meant tearing my office apart, moving half of it somewhere else in the apartment, and then setting up the bare essentials again in a very awkward corner. Because the carpet had to be ripped up, and a big fan set in that corner to blow great masses of noisy air across the floor while they stomped around up on the roof for a fourth time.


The dog refused to come in the room while the fan was on, of course. Which was kind of a shame, because with the carpet billowing and poofing, walking through my office felt like walking through one of those big, bouncy castles you see at street fairs and children's parties.

Anyway, as you already know if you live in Southern California, it rained again the other day. And of course, the leak remained.

And was joined by a leak in the ceiling of our hallway.

And by a leak in the ceiling of the master bedroom.

The dog is going to be mighty scared tomorrow, as the roofers come back to my building for a fifth time. And this had better be their last trip, because I really want my office back.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Is There Nothing William Shatner Can't Do?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

State of the Union 2010: Yet More Lost Footage


"And another thing. I am tired of hearing people always talking about how I raised your taxes. We haven't raised income taxes by a single dime on a single person, not a single dime. All those tax increases everyone's so afraid of don't come until my budget for next year... Whoa, did I just say that? How about those bankers, huh? How evil are they?"

Jam for the Lamb


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

CNN Presents "Mike the Situation's Room"

This is CNN, formerly the most trusted name in news...



MIKE: Hey, what’s up, everyone! This is Mike “The Situation”! So C-effin'-N got into this ratings pickle with that Wolf Blitzkrieg guy, and they turned over The Situation Room to me, Mike "The Situation," and all my friends from MTV's Jersey Shore! So let’s get crazy!



MIKE: First up, have we been having some crazy weather or what? Here's an on-the-spot report from my gal Snooki. What’s the situation, Snooks?


SNOOKI: It’s crazy, Mike! I’ve been to six bars all up and down the boardwalk, and not one hot guy has tried to pick me up! The weather is cold out here!

MIKE: That’s crazy, Snickers!

SNOOKI: I know! I got my girls hangin’ out and everythin'!

MIKE: Did you do that lil' dance of yours? The one with that backflip that shows everyone your g-string?

SNOOKI: I did! And I got nothin’! It ain’t rainin’ men here, Mike!

MIKE: That’s my gal Snicks, with a special report on the extreme weather we been havin’. Now let’s get crazy on the dance floor!



MIKE: Man, did you see that? That was crazy, man! Now -- Oh, what the eff! Creepy Stalker Producer Chick is stalkin' me through this effin' earpiece thing again, and she will not shut! up! unless I get to our crazy political round table. So here with the Democratic position is my guy Pauly D, because his name ends with "D," like in Democrat. Fist pumps!


PAULY D: Yo! Fist pumps!

MIKE: Now Creepy Stalker Producer Chick says we gotta represent both effin' sides, so here with the Republican position is my guy Ronnie.


RONNIE: What's up?

MIKE: You're an effin' D-bag Republican, Ronnie, that’s what’s up!

PAULY D: Where’s your teabag, Ronnie?!

RONNIE: I could snap both you guys like twigs, you know that?

MIKE: Whoa, stifle down that Republican War-Mongery Talk, Ronnie! So Barack Obama had some big effin' State of the Country address or somethin' last week. Pauly D, what's your thoughts?

PAULY D: Very disappointin’ speech, Mike. I had my Obama Drinking Game Card all ready, and he didn’t say none of those things on that effin' card! No “Let me be clear”! No “not helpful”! I was stone sober the whole frickin' time!

MIKE: That’s crazy!

PAULY D: I know!

MIKE: So what -- Hey, Creepy Stalker Producer Chick! We're talkin' here! -- Sorry, guys. Creepy Stalker Producer Chick says we gotta move on to health care reform. What's the effin' situation with that frickin' mess? Pauly D?

PAULY D: Well, Mike, the situation's this. The O-man and his Democrats are like a house full of guidos at the Jersey Shore.

MIKE: Whoa, Pauly D! Creepy Stalker Producer Chick says we can't use that word.

PAULY D: What word? Guido? That's crazy!

MIKE: I know!

RONNIE: Yeah! Doesn't Creepy Stalker Producer Chick know we make Eye-talians look effin' awesome?!

MIKE: I know! And speaking of awesome, let's all get crazy in the hot tub! Fist pumps!

PAULY D and RONNIE: FIST PUMPS!!!



MIKE: That was crazy, man!

PAULY D and RONNIE: Fist pumps!

MIKE: Pauly D, you were sayin' about this health care reform thing gettin' passed?

PAULY D: Here's the situation, Mike. It's like when you're out crawlin' with your wingman, and he hooks up with this really hot chick, right? I mean, just smokin' hot. But she has this friend, see, and this friend just ain't so fine, you know? So sometimes, as a friend, you just gotta fall on that grenade, you know what I mean, so that your boy can reach the promised land of free parkin'. And that's the deal here. These Democrats in Congress just gotta fall on the frickin' grenade so their boy Obama can effin' get some!

MIKE: Great effin' punditry, Pauly D! Ronnie, what do you think?

RONNIE: Man, Obama wants to make us all buy our own health insurance, and he’ll smack us down with some big effin' fine if we don’t!

PAULY D: That’s crazy! He was supposed to give it to us!

RONNIE: I know!

MIKE: Al'right, al'right! Creepy Stalker Producer Chick wants us to move on again. So what about this new jobs bill thing Mr. Cool kept talkin’ about?

PAULY D: It ain’t another stimulus, Mike. The Big O said so.

RONNIE: Dude, you can call your tequila shot a Jaeger Bomb, but it’s still just an effin' shot of tequila.

MIKE: Well said, Ronnie. That completes our political round table, so let’s get crazy on the dance floor again!



MIKE: Did you see that? That was crazy, man! And now with a special report from Haiti via the Duck Phone is Special Correspondent Vinnie.


VINNIE: Hey, what’s up, Mike?

MIKE: Creepy Stalker Producer Chick won’t stop screamin’ in my ear, Vinnie. It's like we're married or somethin'. So what’s the situation down in Haiti?

VINNIE: Club Haiti is crazy, man! The drinks are overpriced! Some Irish guy puked all over the effin' floor! And Ladies’ Night is a complete frickin' bust!

MIKE: Vinnie, you were supposed to go Haiti the country!

VINNIE: Haiti the country? What’s the eff's goin’ on there?!

MIKE: Creepy Stalker Producer Chick says there was some big earthquake or somethin'. Buncha people got killed.

VINNIE: Dude! That’s crazy!

MIKE: I know! Fist pumps to Special Correspondent Vinnie, live on the Duck Phone from Club Haiti. Now let's welcome back my boy Pauly D, with the Man Groomin' Report.



MIKE: Fist pumps, Pauly! That’s all the time we have on this edition of Mike The Situation's Room. Come back tomorrow for even more crazy things. Have a crazy night, people. As for me, Mike "The Situation," I’m gonna go get me some of that Creepy Stalker Producer Chick original recipe action in the jacuzzi! FIST PUMPS!!!

This is C-effin'-N...

Monday, February 1, 2010

"The National Debt Road Trip"

A short video in honor of President Obama's $3.8 trillion budget proposal for fiscal 2011, just unveiled today...



(H/T: Blonde Sagacity)