Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas, Copious Readers

Because Mary had a baby...


Merry Christmas, readers. And thank you for the last five years.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas, House Republicans


“Speaker Boehner! Speaker Boehner! Thanks for stopping, Speaker Boehner. Look, we House Republicans know things are tense between us right now, what with our rejecting your Plan B to tax only those people actually making a million dollars a year or more. Yeah, we really cut you off at the knees on that one. Took away any remaining bargaining power you might have had on the fiscal cliff, too, and we mean totally. Not to mention playing into the worst stereotypes the Democrats throw out there about us, like how we’re intransigent, unwilling to compromise, have all these ideological purity litmus tests that won’t allow us to come together and work with even the other members of our own party. But hey, ‘tis the season, right? Merry Christmas, Speaker Boehner!”


*gasp!* *choke!* *we got a traitor in fight against the war on christmas here!*

Sunday, December 23, 2012

"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"

If Firefly had ever put out a Christmas soundtrack, you know it would have sounded like this...

Merry Christmas, Speaker Boehner


“Merry Christmas, John.”

“Merry Christmas, Mr. President.”

“See, John? I just ended the War on Christmas for you. That’s leadership. That’s compromise. What more could you possibly want in these fiscal cliff negotiations?”

“Some actual spending cuts to go with along your tax increases would be nice.”

“Don’t make me wish you Happy Holidays, John.”

Friday, December 21, 2012

How Today's Apocalypse Was Averted

"Obama Baby"

Thursday, December 20, 2012

The New Health Care Crisis, with Hillary Clinton and the Saudi Royal Family


“This new learning continues to amaze me! Secretary Clinton, explain to us again how after a U.S. ambassador and three others die in a terrorist attack in Benghazi that you blamed on a YouTube video, after their repeated pleas for help during and additional security before the attack were denied, you manage to avoid testifying on this before your Congress for months! And then, when you finally are scheduled to testify, you avoid it again because of stomach flu and a bump on the head! Does your ObamaCare not cover Tylenol Cold and Flu?!”

“Ask her about the wives, Mughrin! Ask her how many wives ObamaCare covers!”

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Red State Update: "Elf on a Shelf is Worse than a Hundred Atheists at Christmas"

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The New Learning, with Hillary Clinton and the Saudi Royal Family


“This new learning amazes me! Secretary Clinton, explain to us again how paying for your own birth control pills, having one parent notified after a 14-year-old has an abortion, and criticizing the job performance of UN Ambassador Susan Rice is a ‘War on Women,’ yet our not allowing women to drive, covering them from head to toe, forcing young girls into unwanted polygamous marriages, and killing them for family ‘honor’ gets a perfunctory throat-clearing at best from the very same people!”

“Ask her about Sandra Fluke, Mughrin! How much to marry Sandra Fluke?!”

Saturday, December 15, 2012

The "News," Whether Here Or Over There


(H/T: Althouse)

Friday, December 14, 2012

A Not Quite Neighborly Conversation About Two Perpetually Missing Dogs

“Hello. Have you seen my dogs?”

“Ran off again, did they?”

“Yeah.”

“Because you were letting them run around loose again outside without any leashes on, weren’t you?”

“But they love it so much.”

“And while they were running around loose outside without any leashes on, you wandered off and did something else again instead of watching them, didn’t you?”

“They’re good dogs! They wouldn’t hurt anyone!”

“And if they run in front of a car? Like that one time?”

“That’s a horrible thing to say!”

“That's a horrible thing to have happen because you don’t watch them when they’re out running around loose. And I never see you calling their names whenever you’re out looking for them. Why don't you ever call their names?”

“Oh, they don’t come when I call.”

“I can give you the name and number of that trainer and his obedience class again.”

“But it’s so much time to train a dog. Especially two of them. And I’m just so busy.”

“How much time are you spending today roaming around looking for them?”

“Oh, and your dog is just Little Miss Perfect, isn’t she?”

“Absolutely not. That’s why she’s on a leash. And why I put in the time training her for when she’s not.”

“You’re mean.”

“No. I’m the one who brought your dogs back the last two times. And I’ll do it again today if I see them.”

“Well, I still don’t like you.”

“Need a bag? In case they pooped while they were out running loose again?”

“Oh, I always have a bag in my...I can’t believe I forgot a bag. I never forget a bag.”

“Here. Take it.”

“I’m not thanking you for it.”

“You never do.”

Monday, December 10, 2012

Exclusive Video: New Spokesperson Named for Michelle Obama's Healthy Foods Initiative

Friday, December 7, 2012

Twinkies for Sale

Spotted while walking the dog, as always:


I've was always more of a Ho Hos man myself...

Friday, November 16, 2012

"The Star Wars That I Used To Know"

Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Post-Election Presidential Press Conference: More Lost Footage


"That's an excellent question that deserves a lengthy, detailed response, but on a more personal note, Michelle and I were talking last night about how enchanting it is to be re-elected president. And not simply because the American people have chosen again to trust me with all their hopes and dreams, but because you, the White House Press Corps, continue to show such faith and trust in me as well. Seriously, what other leader in what other country could drone on for months about 'math' and 'arithmetic' while pushing an $80 billion a year tax increase to close a $1.1 trillion yearly deficit and not get asked at his first press conference in  months what he's going to do about the other $1.02 trillion? I love you guys! Next question?"

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

"Our Story in 1 Minute"

The Post-Election Presidential Press Conference: The Lost Footage


"Let me be perfectly clear. I find it reprehensible that Senators McCain and Graham would dare besmirch the good name of UN Ambassador Susan Rice, who had nothing to do with Benghazi, simply because she appeared on every major network in a single day peddling a false narrative that Libya was all about a YouTube video rather than a well-planned, well-executed terrorist attack. If the good senators want to come after someone, they should leave poor Susan Rice alone and come after me for sending the UN Ambassador, who had nothing to do with Benghazi, out to appear on every major network in a single day to peddle a false narrative that Libya was all about a YouTube video rather than a well-planned, well-executed terrorist attack. Now, who wants to ask whether I find Paula Broadwell or Jill Kelly sexier?... Anyone?... Anyone?... You know they're going to ask me this next time I'm on The View. You could have a real scoop here... Anyone?... No?..."

Monday, November 5, 2012

Proposition Painkiller

The drawback of having unexpected oral surgery this morning is that I won't be making any night-before-the-election posts, or any real posts of any sort.

On the plus side, however, I'll be on Vicodin when I go to vote tomorrow.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Barack Obama's Closing Argument

A Phone Call from an Actual Candidate

I got a phone call this morning from an honest-to-god, flesh-and-blood candidate (for state assembly). Not a robo-call. Not a phone bank. Not a campaign volunteer. The actual guy on the ballot.

Of course, his call went to voice mail before I even heard my cell phone ringing.

Mitt Romney's Closing Argument

Saturday, November 3, 2012

California's Sorry Official Sample Ballot

I finally cracked open my California Official Sample Ballot the other night. Quickly flipping past the voting instructions, write-in voting instructions, translated election materials, vote by mail, information for voters, and Voter Bill of Rights pages, I finally reached the start of the ballot itself. And what I saw stopped me cold.

Page 1, of course, is President and Vice President. And on the California ballot, the very first name listed, right at the top, is Roseanne Barr.

Even for California, where Gary Coleman and a porn star once ran for governor, and where Arnold Schwarzenegger was governor, that's just sad.

The Official Sample Ballot fun doesn't stop there, however. California now has non-partisan primaries, so the Democrats and Republicans no longer nominate their own candidates in their own races. It's all just one big jumble now, which has produced some, ah, "unintended consequences," like two Democratic congressmen running against each other for the same House seat. Or this little gem from Page 2 of the ballot:

UNITED STATES SENATOR 
ELIZABETH EMKEN, Businesswoman/Nonprofit Executive     Party Preference: Republican
DIANNE FEINSTEIN, United States Senator     Party Preference: Democratic

Because Dianne Feinstein isn't really a Democrat, you see, not anymore. And Elizabeth Emken isn't really a Republican. Purge such partisan foolishness from your head! They just happen to "prefer" a particular party, like iced tea over lemonade. So grab your political Arnold Palmer, and drink up!

Orwell would be proud, I think, but maybe I'm expecting too much from California. It has Roseanne Barr at the top of the ballot, after all.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Exclusive Video: The Fifth Presidential Debate

Thursday, November 1, 2012

A Married Conversation About Wheat Bread and Multicultural Baselines

“How is that bread?”

“It’s all right.”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“Nothing. It’s just wheat bread, and I’m a white bread kind of guy.”

“You are so white bread.”

“Hey, there’s no shame in white bread. Multiculturalism includes white bread, too.”

“How did you get multiculturalism from bread?”

“Without white bread people, how would wheat bread people know how diverse they are? And how much cooler they are in comparison to the white bread people? We white bread people are the multicultural baseline.”

“Shut up and eat your baseline, my love.”

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Every Tree Is Number 27

I'm not sure why, but every tree on our little main street now has a green number 27 spray painted onto the dirt at its base. Like this:


Let the conspiracy theories begin...

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Exclusive Video: The Fourth Presidential Debate

Monday, October 29, 2012

A Married Conversation About Halloween Decorations and Mitt Romney

“Look at this. No one is decorating for Halloween this year.”

“There’s a Halloween house. With zombies.”

“And a Romney/Ryan sign.”

“I don’t think that’s part of the decorations.”

“I don’t know. That’s how elections work in this country, right? Make the other guy into some scary monster, so everyone is too afraid to vote for him?”

“I think it’s more like a choice between Rick and Shane, only once Rick gets elected, you know he’s going to turn into Shane anyway.”

“And the guy who loses never really goes away. He comes back and messes with you.”

“Are we talking about Jimmy Carter or Obama?”

“I’m not sure what we’re actually talking about at this point.”

“But Walking Dead is on tonight, isn’t it?”

“Absolutely. And I’m still voting for Shane.”

Sunday, October 28, 2012

"Americans," with Sean Penn and Kid Rock

Saturday, October 27, 2012

I Remember When They Promised Me the Future

I remember when they promised me the future, and told me how one day I could just grab an item at the supermarket, swipe my card, and be quickly on my way. They never mentioned how I would have to choose options from six different touch-screen menus (including if I wanted to donate to the charity of the week), and then answer three more questions from the cashier (including if I wanted to donate to the same charity of the week). The elderly ladies who pay cash using exact change get through the checkout line faster.

Friday, October 26, 2012

My Own First Time



I remember my first time. It was with Walter Mondale, but I was thinking of Geraldine Ferraro.

He said outright that he would raise my taxes, but he was my first, so I knew that I could change him. Besides, that other guy who was also into me was just really old, like a thousand and fifty in college-age time, so it would have been super uncool to be out and about with him instead of Walter.

Still, my first time was amazing. It was this line in the dorm room. Before I opened that absentee ballot, I was a boy, but then I was a 19-year-old college Democrat. I picked up that pen I'd been chewing on all semester, and I filled in that little circle, and I voted for Walter Mondale. Then I gave my roommate a goofy smile and asked him to put his headphones on, because his happy, bubbly music was getting a bit much.

Walter and I didn't last, of course, just like my parents warned. And I did get over him. Eventually. We still keep up on Facebook, though, which is super cool.

And I still think of Geraldine Ferraro.

UPDATE: Because the Founding Fathers are like super mainstream...

Thursday, October 25, 2012

"I Have Always Dreamed of Being a Cat"

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Top Scientist: Universe Actually Just a "Really Crappy" MMORPG


Berkeley, CA -- Expanding on recent, stunning evidence that our universe is actually a computer simulation, a top scientist today proposed the universe is in fact just a “really crappy” MMORPG.

“Look at the evidence,” explained Prof. “Mighty” Thor Thorvoldssen of the University of California, Berkeley. “What does a good MMORPG have? Instant-healing health packs. Ammo, even missiles, that you can carry without a weight score. Exotic women parading around in tight leather or unrealistically revealing armor. A really crappy MMORPG, however, has none of these things, just like our universe!”

Fellow scientists, however, expressed skepticism.

“Like the social sciences, this is all hokum,” said Dr. Sheldon Cooper of Caltech. When pressed to explain why, Prof. Cooper sighed heavily and continued, “Even a bad MMORPG has certain core characteristics. Everyone, whether they deserve it or not, gets to take part in epic, virtual world-changing quests. You fight a challenging boss at the end of each level. Most women are actually men. Only someone with a Masters degree could possibly believe our universe has any such characteristics.”

“Doctor. Cooper’s viewpoint presupposes that our universe is an early entry in a successful gaming franchise,” Prof. Thorvoldssen retorted, “but later entries often introduce boring or even nonsensical changes just for the sake of change. Like how even after playing through an entire kingdom's campaign in Dynasty Warriors 7, all the characters you really want to play remain locked out. And Wing Commander: Prophecy? Hel-lo! It's called wing commander, not rookie pilot!

“Unfortunately for his students,” Dr. Cooper responded, “the ‘Mighty’ Thor is also a fan of Babylon 5. Bazinga!”

Other researchers echoed Dr. Cooper's doubts. “I spend my entire life struggling to get grant proposals funded and make good on an underwater mortgage,” whinged Dr. Alan “Post-Doc” Michaelson. “Even The Sims never put its characters through that kind of hell.”

Interviewed by IM in his parent’s basement, avid gamer Seamus Murphy, 32, spoke for many when he exclaimed, “You mean I’m flicking Dorito crumbs off my t-shirt and playing World of Warhammer from inside another MMORPG? Seriously? Hey, Mom! Mom! You hear that?! I am not lazy! It’s that noob playing my character!”

Daryl Musashi could not be reached for comment.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

David Lo Pan Style

As Jack Burton would say in one of the greatest movies of all-time, it's all in the reflexes...

 

Monday, October 22, 2012

Best Obama Sound Bites of the Third Presidential Debate


1)         “Ronald Reagan bombed Qaddafi, too. But I got rid of Qaddafi while leading from behind French and British bombs.”

2)         “We have these things called aircraft carriers, where planes land on them. They make great museums.”

3)         “On the contrary, Governor Romney. Attacking you is my agenda.”

4)         “We don’t have as many horses and bayonets today, either. Being a conservative married to a woman with a dancing horse, it’s understandable Governor Romney might not know that.”

5)         “Not only that, I’ve also said ‘in history’ and ‘ever’ more times than anyone in any presidential debate in history. Ever.”

6)         “Can you wait a moment, Bob? I’m not quite finished staring intently at Governor Romney on the split screen.”

7)         “If we don’t continue making these crucial investments in clean energy, then other countries will take the lead in who loses the most money when those companies go bankrupt.”

8)         “Actually, Governor Romney doesn’t love teachers.”

9)         “I don’t care if even my own campaign has admitted that $5 trillion charge against Governor Romney is bogus. I’m going to keep making it.”

10)       “This nation.Me.

Overhead in a Dream Last Night

“Grenades here...Oh, wait. These are just limes.”

A Preview of the Third Presidential Debate


Spotting the "Kick me!" sign on Mitt Romney's back, President Obama struggles to decide whether this could be a path to re-election glory or just another cleverly laid Republican trap...

(Photo H/T: Moonbattery)

Sunday, October 21, 2012

544 Days

Yes, I’m aware that I recently went 544 days without updating this blog.

And I’m aware I didn’t update it yesterday. Life is like that, sometimes.

Friday, October 19, 2012

One of the Coolest, Saddest Things You Will Ever See

I wasn't even a teenager yet when NASA rolled out the first space shuttle, Enterprise, in 1976. So for almost my entire life, the one true constant has been the shuttles, none of which will ever fly again.

 

This is amazingly cool to watch, but also rather sad, at least for me. It's the end of the era, in several ways.

Here's hoping what comes next is even better...

Thursday, October 18, 2012

10 Other Things President Obama Might Deem "Not Optimal"


1)         The number of Americans currently out of work.

2)         The size of the national debt.

3)         The size of the yearly federal deficit.

4)         His current poll numbers.

5)         The success of sanctions against Iran’s nuclear program.

6)         His administration's progress in closing Guantanamo.

7)         The shovel readiness of those shovel-ready jobs.

8)         The success of the reset in relations with Russia.

9)         The success of Big Bird as a wedge issue.

10)       The success of attempts to claim his now-famous-before-it-even-airs statement that “If four Americans get killed, it's not optimal” was taken out of context, just like all the others...

UPDATE: The video:

A Married Conversation about Newsweek

“Look. Newsweek is going to stop having a print edition and go all-digital at the end of the year.”

“Good. Now I finally won’t have to listen to you complain about it whenever we're standing in the supermarket check-out line.”

Obama's Second Debate Performance Secret Revealed


"After the first debate in Denver, I had the boys at DARPA whip up this animatronic Romney-bot for me to practice against. Looks just like him, doesn't it? Sounds like him, too. Give a listen."

"...binders full of women..."

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Overheard at Vons

“I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, Mommy’s not helpful, that’s what I’m gonna say!”

Because It's Not Really In My Copious Free Time Again Until There's a Photo of My Dog Under a Table

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Best Obama Sound Bites of the Second Presidential Debate


1)         “My plan is that instead of unpatriotically borrowing money to spend on two wars, we instead invest that money here at home. Now, Governor Romney will tell you that money’s already been spent, that we’d just have to borrow even more money, adding to the federal deficit, in order to pay for my proposals. But if it’s one thing the Obamacare experience with Medicare has shown, it’s that we really can spend the same dollar twice.”

2)         “See how I’m sitting here? This is how I sat when I slow-jammed the news with Jimmy Fallon. Can you picture Governor Romney slow-jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon? I didn’t think so.”

3)         “Seriously, if Governor Romney says ‘Great question, important question’ one more time, I think my head is going to explode.”

4)         “Now, Governor Romney is right. A gallon of gas cost about $1.86 when I took office, but that was because George Bush had wrecked the economy. The fact that gas costs more than $4.00 a gallon today is proof of how much better the economy is now, and how my policies are helping the average American.”

5)         “I can’t believe I lost the gender gap to a guy who looks like an undertaker.”

6)         “Candy, Governor Romney is talking again. Are you going to interrupt him this time, or am I?”

7)         “Governor Romney, only Candy gets to interrupt me.”

8)         “Candy, stop interrupting me!”

9)         “I find it offensive that Governor Romney, who is responsible for the death of a steelworker’s wife from cancer after shutting down his company and stealing her health insurance to stuff his own pockets, could even suggest that my team would play politics with someone’s death. That's not what we do.”

10)       “Candy, I’d love to talk at length about Libya, but do you think you could have my back again and move on to a question about gun control, say, before someone actually does check the transcript about that whole ‘act of terror’ thing I just claimed I said, and realizes how misleading I just was?”

Because It's Not Really In My Copious Free Time Again Until Sir Tom Jones Makes an Appearance

Monday, October 15, 2012

Breaking: CNN's Candy Crowley Replaced as 2nd Presidential Debate Moderator


Hempstead, NY -- Responding to criticisms by both campaigns over Candy Crowley’s comments detailing how she saw her role as moderator, the Commission on Presidential Debates announced this morning it will replace the veteran CNN news anchor with Bravo Network programming genius and on-air icon Andrew Cohen.

“I’m ecstatic!” an ecstatic Cohen told reporters. “Who would have thought I’d ever be moderating a presidential debate in the Bravo Clubhouse? I haven’t been this happy since the Real Housewives of New Jersey cameras caught Theresa Giudice flipping that table!”

Surprisingly, the Romney campaign quickly endorsed the change. “If it’s one thing the Biden/Ryan debate showed, it’s that we need a moderator who can handle an arrogant, interrupting, attention-seeking egomaniac,” said campaign spokesperson Andrea Saul. “With his experience hosting all those Real Housewives reunion shows, Andy Cohen fits the bill.”

Karl Rove, who helped George W. Bush win consecutive presidential elections, agreed. “Can Andy Cohen handle a more aggressive Barack Obama? Have you seen those reunion shows?"

The Obama campaign also embraced the change. “Andy played a great game of ‘Plead the Fifth’ with the President at Anna Wintour’s fundraiser back in June,” commented deputy campaign manager Stephanie Cutter. “He’s no Bill Maher, but the president is comfortable with the choice.”

Other Democrats, such as former Howard Dean campaign manager Joe Trippi, were less sanguine. “Look at the programming on Bravo. Real Housewives. Million Dollar Whatevers. The entire network is a niche broadcasting paean to the self-indulgent 1% who have brought this country to ruin. No good will come of this.”

“Bravo’s niche is the American Dream,” Cutter quickly fired back. “And if Joe Trippi were a real Democrat, he would say that as a commentator on MSNBC, not on Fox.”

Cohen has assured both campaigns that he will retain the town-hall format, adding that he looks forward to “spending 90 solid minutes talking with Mitt Romney about gay marriage.”

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Leaked Video: Joe Biden Prep Session for the Vice Presidential Debate

Hillary and Barack Talk Benghazi


"Thank you for coming, Hillary. As you know, it's crucial that we get out in front of this Benghazi situation and have all elements of the administration speak with one voice. That's why I'd like to briefly go over the many benefits, to both  the administration and the country, of you taking the fall for this tragic and embarrassing fiasco."

"Um... Mr. President... I was told I was coming here to help prep you for the second debate with Mitt Romney."

"And you've already challenged me more than my coach for the first debate, John Kerry, ever did! Excellent work, Hillary! Just excellent! Now, Reason Number One..."

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Have We Really Come to This?

I spotted this sign on a big bouncy castle yesterday afternoon. Note the "fine print" at the bottom.


Seriously, what kid has ever gone into a bouncy castle and not been "rowdy"? By design, the entire thing is a inflatable mosh pit for the Sesame Street crowd.

I'm proud to say the two-year-old twins I was with practiced civil disobedience. Loud, screechy, exhausting civil disobedience...

Friday, October 12, 2012

Best Biden Sound Bites of the Vice-Presidential Debate


1)         “On the contrary, Martha, ‘angry drinking buddy’ is part of the job description for Vice President of the United States.”

2)         “Come on! Tell me you don’t find the Iranian nuclear program hilarious!”

3)         “Paul, I am your father.”

4)         “I can’t talk about classified material, but here’s what I know...”

5)         “Now you’re Jack Kennedy?... Huh. You do kind of look like Jack Kennedy...”

6)         “See this pen, Martha? Do you see this pen? My dear friend Tip O’Neill gave this very pen to my dear friend Ronald Reagan, who gave it to me just so that I could lean across this table tonight and wave it in your face. That’s bipartisanship!”

7)         “Look at him. He’s just waiting for me to bring up Big Bird.”

8)         “The intelligence community that completely misinformed us about what really happened to our own consulate in Benghazi will let us know to the precise second when Iran develops a nuclear bomb.”

9)         “Can you give me a moment, Martha? I think I pulled something rolling my eyes.”

10)       “I’m King of the World!”

UPDATES:

11)       “Paul! Buddy! I was plagiarizing that same line before you were even born!”

12)       “I think I probably have a much higher IQ than you do, Martha.”

13)       “Have I been an effective Vice President? I unwittingly forced the President of the United States to publicly change his position on gay marriage. Imagine what positions I can make him change in a second term!”


14)       “Squirrel!”

"I Hate My Frickin' ISP"

Because Todd Rundgren is awesome, and my Time Warner Cable High-Speed Internet has "dirty signal"...

Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Rules Are Different for Joe Biden

Nine quick thoughts on tonight’s vice-presidential debate:

1.         Joe Biden interrupted Paul Ryan and the moderator so many times, I even shut up when he looked right into the camera at me and the rest of America.

2.         All those Facebook posts were right. That thing going on with Paul Ryan’s hair did make me think of Eddie Munster.

3.         During the next presidential debate, I’m now going to have an image of Grandpa Al Lewis in my head when Mitt Romney and those gray wings in his hair take the stage.

4.         Joe Biden would have been a great “wacky neighbor” on The Munsters.

5.         That massive water glass Paul Ryan kept drinking from looked like it should have been filled with beer.

6.         Joe Biden’s water glass probably was filled with beer.

7.         The moderator was less biased than Big Bird.

8.         Did Joe Biden really lean toward the moderator at one point and wave his pen in her face? If Paul Ryan had done that, a new “War on Women” ad would have been on the air before midnight.

9.         The rules are different for Joe Biden. Always have been. Always will be.

Carney: Benghazi Consulate Attacked Under Cover of "Virtual" Protest


Washington -- Responding to repeated accusations of conflicting explanations and the recent State Department revelation that, contrary to repeated Obama administration claims, no protest preceded the fatal September11th attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney doubled down, claiming the attack occurred under cover of a “virtual” protest.

“If you had been on the ground in Benghazi, you would have seen 400 or so Al-Qaeda-affiliated extremists with heavy weapons carrying out a sophisticated, preplanned terrorist attack,” Carney told reporters. “Intelligence reports confirm, however, that at the same time, Facebook and Twitter were full of outraged Muslims posting status updates and up to 140-character protest tweets. Now, can we all stop focusing on murdered ambassadors, rejected requests for additional security, and burning embassies and please get back to talking about how the President personally killed Osama bin Laden and is going to protect Big Bird?”

It was Carney’s first White House press briefing in weeks, but the press corps was in no mood to be grateful. The Q-and-A session was fiery, punctuated by frequent outbursts of “Dude, I mean, seriously?!” from NBC’s Chuck Todd.

Todd’s outbursts, along with pointed questions from ABC’s Jake Tapper and Fox’s Ed Henry, prompted Carney to say wistfully at one point, “Remember when I would tell you all something just completely outrageous, and only the guy from Fox News would have a problem with it?”

Outside the briefing room, Director of National Intelligence James Clapper quickly embraced this latest version of events. “Al-Qaeda has clearly taken the lessons of Kony 2012 to heart, opening a frightening new terrorist front at the intersection of asymmetric warfare and social media...There. I fell on my sword. Again. My budget is exempt from sequestration now, right?”

UN Ambassador Susan Rice also stayed on message. “No one but the most fevered neocon conspiracy theorist could possibly believe in a terrorist attack on the anniversary of 9/11,” Rice said. “This was nothing more than a spontaneous response to a hateful YouTube video that...Wait, we’re admitting it was a terrorist attack now? Why does no one tell me anything?”

Attempts to reach Al-Qaeda for comment by e-mail resulted in an autoresponse, stating the terrorist group had gone to the movies.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Best. Bad Lip Reading Video. Ever.



(H/T: Jonah Goldberg)

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Memo Details PBS Programming in Development for a Romney Administration


From the desk of Lance Nielsen Tartikoff, Senior Vice President and Chief TV Programming Executive

Dear Colleagues, Friends, and Supporters,

By now, you’ve heard Mitt Romney’s pledge to cut all federal funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and, by extension, PBS. Given President Obama’s lackluster performance in the Denver debate and the subsequent seismic shift in the polls, I appreciate this chance to ease any fears regarding the much-heralded “demise” of public broadcasting.

We at PBS Programming actually see this time as an exciting opportunity, a chance to reinvent the network for the 21st century while retaining the special flavor of public television. Herewith, please find our current development slate for a new, more commercially viable PBS during a Romney administration:

1)         Ayn Rand’s Sesame Gulch

Following a very special transitional episode in which Sesame Street is seized under eminent domain and razed to make way for a high-end retail complex, America’s favorite childhood companions relocate to Ayn Rand’s Sesame Gulch, where a special combination of unionless charter schools, permissive regulatory environment, and can-do American spirit make everyone a millionaire 1%er!

ADDENDUM: I feel the Sesame brand will continue to be not just the signature franchise for PBS but also an overall network builder. To that end, spin-offs also in development include Sesame Shore, Dancing with the Sesame Stars, Sesame SG-1, and Sesame Rehab with Dr. Drew. (The participation of Dr. Drew Pinsky is not yet definite.)

2)         This American Life: Tween Mom

Let’s face it: A Romney administration that will cut PBS will cut Planned Parenthood as well. By following four racially and socioeconomically diverse girls, Tween Mom will chronicle the inevitable societal catastrophe of such fiscal austerity, but with the special docudrama blend of heartwarming heartbreak that’s made Teen Mom such a success. (The participation of Dr. Drew Pinsky is not yet definite.)

3)         Bill Moyers Cries

Exactly like it sounds.

4)         America’s Best Science Crew

Each week, top researchers from around the country compete before a panel of celebrity judges with the power to fully fund the grant proposal of their dreams. Judges will include head of the NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies Dr. James Hansen, Denise "Dr. Christmas Jones" Richards, and funnyman Howie Mandel.

5)         Real Companions of the Prairie Home

Have you ever sipped a class of chardonnay and wondered, “Hey, why hasn’t Robert Altman’s classic film version of A Prairie Home Companion ever been made into a reality TV show?” Well, sip no more! From celebrated writer Aaron Sorkin and Bravo programming genius Andy Cohen, all Americans can now thrill to the weekly adventures of Garrison Keillor, cowpokes Dusty and Lefty, detective Guy Noir, and former Atlanta housewife NeNe Leakes as they ruin elegant dinner parties, throw down at expensive charity events, and sling the bobcatty prairie gossip about each other.

6)         Say Yes! to the Sweater Vest, with Stacy London and Rick Santorum

Exactly like it sounds.

7)         Austin City Limits P.D.

Your favorite live-performance musical show, reimagined for the mismatched buddy-cop genre! Chuck “Norris” Bush is a straight conservative single dad, budding country singer, and by-the-book police officer. David “Bowie” Michaels is a liberal gay single dad, budding glam rock star (he’s bringin’ it back!), and by-his-gut peace maker. Each week, Chuck and David sing, bond over their adorable kids, and learn valuable lessons about tolerance and patriotism -- all while catching the bad guy of the week! Also stars Henry Rollins as the firm-yet-fair Lt. Michael “Black Flag” Sheppard.

8)         Tavis Smiley’s Last Resort

After questioning a producer’s orders to “go easy” on a rising presidential candidate, famed talk-show host and commentator Tavis Smiley finds himself abandoned -- and pursued -- by the corporate media. Taking over a small South Pacific island as his personal “no spin” zone, Tavis uses his pirate signal each week to out-“Fox” his interviewees just before their biased fact-checking hit squads reach his door. Also stars Jon Voight at Chris Matthews.

9)         Lawrence Welk’s Dubstep Dance Party

Exactly like it sounds.

10)       National Geographic’s Indigenous Girls Girl Wild

From an Inuit village in northern Alaska to a head-hunting tribe in the Amazon basin, girls just want to have fun, and National Geographic’s award-winning cameras are there! Raw, life-affirming, and educational. With host Ron Jeremy.

Exciting times ahead, my friends!

Sincerely,

Lance Nielsen Tartikoff

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

A Married Conversation While Playing Left 4 Dead

"What are you doing?! Get back in the helicopter!"

"But Francis and Bill need help!"

"Leave 'em! They're just NPCs!"

Monday, October 8, 2012

REUTERS: Surrounded by Hollywood Stars, Obama Blames Poor Denver Debate Performance on Screenwriter


LOS ANGELES -- At a star-studded Hollywood fundraiser last night, President Obama acknowledged his poor performance in the Denver debate but placed all blame squarely on the shoulders of the debate's screenwriter.

“When a film -- or a presidential debate,” he added to laughter and applause from the crowd, “doesn’t turn out right, it’s not the actor’s fault! It’s not the director’s fault! It’s not the producer’s -- or even the candidate’s -- fault! It’s the screenwriter’s fault! Hollywood, you all know what I’m talkin’ about, right?!”

The roughly 6,000 regular American movie stars, music legends, jet-setting celebrities, entertainment moguls, and highly paid escorts at the Nokia Theater clearly did. Noted auteur Steven Soderbergh even directed legendary lovebirds Barbara Streisand and James Brolin in an impromptu reenactment of the famous "two in the back, one in the stomach" murdered screenwriter scene from Sunset Blvd., prompting serious if early Oscar buzz.

Outside the event, however, Obama’s comments were not without controversy.

“All these overpaid and overrated clowns do is hand down notes that stifle creativity and innovative storytelling,” ranted someone completely unimportant who claimed to be president of a little-known fringe group known as the Writers Guild of America, West. “Have the characters meet cute, start Act Two on page 17, make it just like that other film that did well. It never ends. And now they want to blame that Gigli in Denver on us, too? Unbelievable!”

“He’s just mad he didn’t get a drive-on for this event,” countered Gigli star J-“I’m Still Jenny From The Block”-Lo, to which actor Samuel L. Jackson added, “I am tired of these m*therf*ckin’ screenwriters in this m*therf*ckin’ city! Wake the f*ck up and vote for Obama!

Outside observers also praised Obama’s choice of scapegoat. “All successful campaigns make use of the local culture,” said Larry Sabato, director of the Center for Politics and Robert Kent Gooch Professor of Politics at the University of Virginia. “If you go to Philadelphia, you eat a cheese steak. If you go to Hollywood, you trash the screenwriter. It’s Politics 101.”

Perhaps inspired by Jackson’s role as Jedi Mace Windu, Obama later proclaimed, “Back in 2008 -- they don’t always remember the bumps in the road, but the American people carried us forward then, just like undiscerning moviegoers made Episodes One through Three the most successful unloved films in cinematic history! And with your help, Hollywood, my second term will be the second trilogy for America!”

“I had a purple lightsaber!” Jackson erupted after Obama’s shout-out. “I was the only Jedi who had a purple lightsaber! That's diversity, people! Wake the f*ck up and vote for Obama!”

Later in the evening, Obama attended a second fundraising dinner at WP24 by Wolfgang Puck for 150 guests at a cost of $25,000 per person, where he accused Mitt Romney of being an “unfeeling wealthbot” incapable of understanding “the struggles of hard-working Americans facing $12 movie tickets and $7 popcorn.”

Andy Serkis, who will be digitally replaced by an image of Mitt Romney during postproduction, could not be reached for comment.

30 Minute Parking


Because if it's one thing all the customers generated by four empty storefronts in a row requires, it's a 30-minute restriction on parking...

Sunday, October 7, 2012

That's y I'm Votin' Snoop Dogg Lion!


1. Ain’t no Wall Street crackaz go’n give him no lip. M*thaf*cka did time, dog!

2. M*thaf*cka know all the pimps in the crib, so no child lef’ behind.

3. M*thaf*cka down with the bitches and hoes, so he unnerstandz the war on women.

4. Presidential portrait featurin’ a 40 and a blunt.

5. M*thaf*cka dropped “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” so he feelin’ the danger of global warming.

6. M*thaf*cka ain’t got no John Edwards hair, son!

7. Beyonce do all that Condi did but with more swag.

8. Ain’t no UN m*thaf*ckas go’n veto our asses when he in charge. M*thaf*cka did time, dog!

9. M*thaf*cka once had his own porn company, so he got the lowdown on what small business need.

10. M*thaf*cka's name is Snoop, so ain't no intel go'n be missed!

(See the original NSFW list of 10 reasons to vote for Obama and 10 reasons to vote against Romney -- made famous by Snoop Dogg Lion -- here.)

Exclusive Video: Unseen Denver Presidential Debate Footage, with Post-Debate Presidential Commentary

Saturday, October 6, 2012

A Phone Conversation About Prop 32

"Hello?"

*waiting for someone to come on the line*

"Hello-o-o?"

"Hi, I'm calling from [long and unmemorable organization name]. Are you aware of California Prop 32?"

"It's Saturday morning."

"Prop 32 is --"

"It's early on a Saturday morning."

"Prop 32 is --"

"Not something I want to talk about this early on a Saturday morning."

"Prop 32 --"

"You're still talking to me."

"About Prop 32, which --"

"I haven't even had coffee yet --"

"Prop 32 --"

"-- or walked the dog."

"Prop 32 is a very important issue."

"You're still talking to me."

"About Prop 32, which --"

"Look, I don't have a position on Prop 32 yet, because my voter guide hasn't arrived yet, so I still haven't seen the actual wording of the proposition."

"Then let me tell you. Prop 32 --"

"You're still talking to me."

"Sir, don't you even want to know which side of the issue I'm calling about?"

"Saying you were calling from [long and unmemorable organization name] was kind of a giveaway, don't you think?"

"Prop 32 --"

"And this early on a Saturday morning, you confirming my suspicion on that score would probably just make me more apt to vote the other way --"

"Prop 32 --"

"-- or make me think you're just telling me the other position, hoping that I'll  vote your way without realizing."

"You really don't like these calls, do you?"

"I'm hanging up now."

"Goodbye, sir."

*click*

Friday, October 5, 2012

After the Denver Debate