Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
If Firefly had ever put out a Christmas soundtrack, you know it would have sounded like this...
Friday, December 21, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
The drawback of having unexpected oral surgery this morning is that I won't be making any night-before-the-election posts, or any real posts of any sort.
On the plus side, however, I'll be on Vicodin when I go to vote tomorrow.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
I got a phone call this morning from an
honest-to-god, flesh-and-blood candidate (for state assembly). Not a
robo-call. Not a phone bank. Not a campaign volunteer. The actual guy on
Of course, his call went to voice mail before I even heard my cell phone ringing.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
I finally cracked open my California Official Sample Ballot the other night. Quickly flipping past the voting instructions, write-in voting instructions, translated election materials, vote by mail, information for voters, and Voter Bill of Rights pages, I finally reached the start of the ballot itself. And what I saw stopped me cold.
Page 1, of course, is President and Vice President. And on the California ballot, the very first name listed, right at the top, is Roseanne Barr.
Even for California, where Gary Coleman and a porn star once ran for governor, and where Arnold Schwarzenegger was governor, that's just sad.
The Official Sample Ballot fun doesn't stop there, however. California now has non-partisan primaries, so the Democrats and Republicans no longer nominate their own candidates in their own races. It's all just one big jumble now, which has produced some, ah, "unintended consequences," like two Democratic congressmen running against each other for the same House seat. Or this little gem from Page 2 of the ballot:
UNITED STATES SENATOR
ELIZABETH EMKEN, Businesswoman/Nonprofit Executive Party Preference: Republican
DIANNE FEINSTEIN, United States Senator Party Preference: Democratic
Because Dianne Feinstein isn't really a Democrat, you see, not anymore. And Elizabeth Emken isn't really a Republican. Purge such partisan foolishness from your head! They just happen to "prefer" a particular party, like iced tea over lemonade. So grab your political Arnold Palmer, and drink up!
Orwell would be proud, I think, but maybe I'm expecting too much from California. It has Roseanne Barr at the top of the ballot, after all.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
I remember when they promised me the future, and told me how one day I could just grab an item at the supermarket, swipe my card, and be quickly on my way. They never mentioned how I would have to choose options from six different touch-screen menus (including if I wanted to donate to the charity of the week), and then answer three more questions from the cashier (including if I wanted to donate to the same charity of the week). The elderly ladies who pay cash using exact change get through the checkout line faster.
Friday, October 26, 2012
I remember my first time. It was with Walter Mondale, but I was thinking of Geraldine Ferraro.
He said outright that he would raise my taxes, but he was my first, so I knew that I could change him. Besides, that other guy who was also into me was just really old, like a thousand and fifty in college-age time, so it would have been super uncool to be out and about with him instead of Walter.
Still, my first time was amazing. It was this line in the dorm room. Before I opened that absentee ballot, I was a boy, but then I was a 19-year-old college Democrat. I picked up that pen I'd been chewing on all semester, and I filled in that little circle, and I voted for Walter Mondale. Then I gave my roommate a goofy smile and asked him to put his headphones on, because his happy, bubbly music was getting a bit much.
Walter and I didn't last, of course, just like my parents warned. And I did get over him. Eventually. We still keep up on Facebook, though, which is super cool.
And I still think of Geraldine Ferraro.
UPDATE: Because the Founding Fathers are like super mainstream...
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
As Jack Burton would say in one of the greatest movies of all-time, it's all in the reflexes...
Monday, October 22, 2012
1) “Ronald Reagan bombed Qaddafi, too. But I got rid of Qaddafi while leading from behind French and British bombs.”
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
I wasn't even a teenager yet when NASA rolled out the first space shuttle, Enterprise, in 1976. So for almost my entire life, the one true constant has been the shuttles, none of which will ever fly again.
This is amazingly cool to watch, but also rather sad, at least for me. It's the end of the era, in several ways.
Here's hoping what comes next is even better...
Thursday, October 18, 2012
1) The number of Americans currently out of work.
2) The size of the national debt.
3) The size of the yearly federal deficit.
4) His current poll numbers.
5) The success of sanctions against
6) His administration's progress in closing Guantanamo.
7) The shovel readiness of those shovel-ready jobs.
8) The success of the reset in relations with
9) The success of Big Bird as a wedge issue.
10) The success of attempts to claim his now-famous-before-it-even-airs statement that “If four Americans get killed, it's not optimal” was taken out of context, just like all the others...
UPDATE: The video:
“Look. Newsweek is
going to stop having a print edition and go all-digital at the end of the year.”
“Good. Now I finally won’t have to listen to you complain about it whenever we're standing in the supermarket check-out line.”
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
“I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, Mommy’s not helpful, that’s what I’m gonna say!”
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
I spotted this sign on a big bouncy castle yesterday afternoon. Note the "fine print" at the bottom.
Friday, October 12, 2012
11) “Paul! Buddy! I was plagiarizing that same line before you were even born!”
12) “I think I probably have a much higher IQ than you do, Martha.”
13) “Have I been an effective Vice President? I unwittingly forced the President of the United States to publicly change his position on gay marriage. Imagine what positions I can make him change in a second term!”
Because Todd Rundgren is awesome, and my Time Warner Cable High-Speed Internet has "dirty signal"...
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Nine quick thoughts on
tonight’s vice-presidential debate:
1. Joe Biden interrupted Paul Ryan and the moderator so many times, I even shut up when he looked right into the camera at me and the rest of
2. All those Facebook posts were right. That thing going on with Paul Ryan’s hair did make me think of Eddie Munster.
3. During the next presidential debate, I’m now going to have an image of Grandpa Al Lewis in my head when Mitt Romney and those gray wings in his hair take the stage.
4. Joe Biden would have been a great “wacky neighbor” on The Munsters.
5. That massive water glass Paul Ryan kept drinking from looked like it should have been filled with beer.
6. Joe Biden’s water glass probably was filled with beer.
7. The moderator was less biased than Big Bird.
8. Did Joe Biden really lean toward the moderator at one point and wave his pen in her face? If Paul Ryan had done that, a new “War on Women” ad would have been on the air before midnight.
9. The rules are different for Joe Biden. Always have been. Always will be.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
(H/T: Jonah Goldberg)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
"What are you doing?! Get back in the helicopter!"
"But Francis and Bill need help!"
"Leave 'em! They're just NPCs!"
Monday, October 8, 2012
“When a film -- or a presidential debate,” he added to laughter and applause from the crowd, “doesn’t turn out right, it’s not the actor’s fault! It’s not the director’s fault! It’s not the producer’s -- or even the candidate’s -- fault! It’s the screenwriter’s fault! Hollywood, you all know what I’m talkin’ about, right?!”
The roughly 6,000 regular American movie stars, music legends, jet-setting celebrities, entertainment moguls, and highly paid escorts at the Nokia Theater clearly did. Noted auteur Steven Soderbergh even directed legendary lovebirds Barbara Streisand and James Brolin in an impromptu reenactment of the famous "two in the back, one in the stomach" murdered screenwriter scene from Sunset Blvd., prompting serious if early Oscar buzz.
Outside the event, however, Obama’s comments were not without controversy.
“All these overpaid and overrated clowns do is hand down notes that stifle creativity and innovative storytelling,” ranted someone completely unimportant who claimed to be president of a little-known fringe group known as the Writers Guild of America, West. “Have the characters meet cute, start Act Two on page 17, make it just like that other film that did well. It never ends. And now they want to blame that Gigli in
“He’s just mad he didn’t get a drive-on for this event,” countered Gigli star J-“I’m Still Jenny From The Block”-Lo, to which actor Samuel L. Jackson added, “I am tired of these m*therf*ckin’ screenwriters in this m*therf*ckin’ city! Wake the f*ck up and vote for Obama!”
Outside observers also praised Obama’s choice of scapegoat. “All successful campaigns make use of the local culture,” said Larry Sabato, director of the Center for Politics and Robert Kent Gooch Professor of Politics at the
Perhaps inspired by
“I had a purple lightsaber!”
Later in the evening, Obama attended a second fundraising dinner at WP24 by Wolfgang Puck for 150 guests at a cost of $25,000 per person, where he accused Mitt Romney of being an “unfeeling wealthbot” incapable of understanding “the struggles of hard-working Americans facing $12 movie tickets and $7 popcorn.”
Andy Serkis, who will be digitally replaced by an image of Mitt Romney during postproduction, could not be reached for comment.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
1. Ain’t no Wall Street crackaz go’n give him no lip. M*thaf*cka did time, dog!
2. M*thaf*cka know all the pimps in the crib, so no child lef’ behind.
3. M*thaf*cka down with the bitches and hoes, so he unnerstandz the war on women.
4. Presidential portrait featurin’ a 40 and a blunt.
5. M*thaf*cka dropped “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” so he feelin’ the danger of global warming.
6. M*thaf*cka ain’t got no John Edwards hair, son!
7. Beyonce do all that Condi did but with more swag.
8. Ain’t no UN m*thaf*ckas go’n veto our asses when he in charge. M*thaf*cka did time, dog!
9. M*thaf*cka once had his own porn company, so he got the lowdown on what small business need.
10. M*thaf*cka's name is Snoop, so ain't no intel go'n be missed!
(See the original NSFW list of 10 reasons to vote for Obama and 10 reasons to vote against Romney -- made famous by Snoop