Thursday, October 11, 2012

Carney: Benghazi Consulate Attacked Under Cover of "Virtual" Protest

Washington -- Responding to repeated accusations of conflicting explanations and the recent State Department revelation that, contrary to repeated Obama administration claims, no protest preceded the fatal September11th attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney doubled down, claiming the attack occurred under cover of a “virtual” protest.

“If you had been on the ground in Benghazi, you would have seen 400 or so Al-Qaeda-affiliated extremists with heavy weapons carrying out a sophisticated, preplanned terrorist attack,” Carney told reporters. “Intelligence reports confirm, however, that at the same time, Facebook and Twitter were full of outraged Muslims posting status updates and up to 140-character protest tweets. Now, can we all stop focusing on murdered ambassadors, rejected requests for additional security, and burning embassies and please get back to talking about how the President personally killed Osama bin Laden and is going to protect Big Bird?”

It was Carney’s first White House press briefing in weeks, but the press corps was in no mood to be grateful. The Q-and-A session was fiery, punctuated by frequent outbursts of “Dude, I mean, seriously?!” from NBC’s Chuck Todd.

Todd’s outbursts, along with pointed questions from ABC’s Jake Tapper and Fox’s Ed Henry, prompted Carney to say wistfully at one point, “Remember when I would tell you all something just completely outrageous, and only the guy from Fox News would have a problem with it?”

Outside the briefing room, Director of National Intelligence James Clapper quickly embraced this latest version of events. “Al-Qaeda has clearly taken the lessons of Kony 2012 to heart, opening a frightening new terrorist front at the intersection of asymmetric warfare and social media...There. I fell on my sword. Again. My budget is exempt from sequestration now, right?”

UN Ambassador Susan Rice also stayed on message. “No one but the most fevered neocon conspiracy theorist could possibly believe in a terrorist attack on the anniversary of 9/11,” Rice said. “This was nothing more than a spontaneous response to a hateful YouTube video that...Wait, we’re admitting it was a terrorist attack now? Why does no one tell me anything?”

Attempts to reach Al-Qaeda for comment by e-mail resulted in an autoresponse, stating the terrorist group had gone to the movies.