Monday, October 8, 2012

REUTERS: Surrounded by Hollywood Stars, Obama Blames Poor Denver Debate Performance on Screenwriter

LOS ANGELES -- At a star-studded Hollywood fundraiser last night, President Obama acknowledged his poor performance in the Denver debate but placed all blame squarely on the shoulders of the debate's screenwriter.

“When a film -- or a presidential debate,” he added to laughter and applause from the crowd, “doesn’t turn out right, it’s not the actor’s fault! It’s not the director’s fault! It’s not the producer’s -- or even the candidate’s -- fault! It’s the screenwriter’s fault! Hollywood, you all know what I’m talkin’ about, right?!”

The roughly 6,000 regular American movie stars, music legends, jet-setting celebrities, entertainment moguls, and highly paid escorts at the Nokia Theater clearly did. Noted auteur Steven Soderbergh even directed legendary lovebirds Barbara Streisand and James Brolin in an impromptu reenactment of the famous "two in the back, one in the stomach" murdered screenwriter scene from Sunset Blvd., prompting serious if early Oscar buzz.

Outside the event, however, Obama’s comments were not without controversy.

“All these overpaid and overrated clowns do is hand down notes that stifle creativity and innovative storytelling,” ranted someone completely unimportant who claimed to be president of a little-known fringe group known as the Writers Guild of America, West. “Have the characters meet cute, start Act Two on page 17, make it just like that other film that did well. It never ends. And now they want to blame that Gigli in Denver on us, too? Unbelievable!”

“He’s just mad he didn’t get a drive-on for this event,” countered Gigli star J-“I’m Still Jenny From The Block”-Lo, to which actor Samuel L. Jackson added, “I am tired of these m*therf*ckin’ screenwriters in this m*therf*ckin’ city! Wake the f*ck up and vote for Obama!

Outside observers also praised Obama’s choice of scapegoat. “All successful campaigns make use of the local culture,” said Larry Sabato, director of the Center for Politics and Robert Kent Gooch Professor of Politics at the University of Virginia. “If you go to Philadelphia, you eat a cheese steak. If you go to Hollywood, you trash the screenwriter. It’s Politics 101.”

Perhaps inspired by Jackson’s role as Jedi Mace Windu, Obama later proclaimed, “Back in 2008 -- they don’t always remember the bumps in the road, but the American people carried us forward then, just like undiscerning moviegoers made Episodes One through Three the most successful unloved films in cinematic history! And with your help, Hollywood, my second term will be the second trilogy for America!”

“I had a purple lightsaber!” Jackson erupted after Obama’s shout-out. “I was the only Jedi who had a purple lightsaber! That's diversity, people! Wake the f*ck up and vote for Obama!”

Later in the evening, Obama attended a second fundraising dinner at WP24 by Wolfgang Puck for 150 guests at a cost of $25,000 per person, where he accused Mitt Romney of being an “unfeeling wealthbot” incapable of understanding “the struggles of hard-working Americans facing $12 movie tickets and $7 popcorn.”

Andy Serkis, who will be digitally replaced by an image of Mitt Romney during postproduction, could not be reached for comment.