Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Top Scientist: Universe Actually Just a "Really Crappy" MMORPG


Berkeley, CA -- Expanding on recent, stunning evidence that our universe is actually a computer simulation, a top scientist today proposed the universe is in fact just a “really crappy” MMORPG.

“Look at the evidence,” explained Prof. “Mighty” Thor Thorvoldssen of the University of California, Berkeley. “What does a good MMORPG have? Instant-healing health packs. Ammo, even missiles, that you can carry without a weight score. Exotic women parading around in tight leather or unrealistically revealing armor. A really crappy MMORPG, however, has none of these things, just like our universe!”

Fellow scientists, however, expressed skepticism.

“Like the social sciences, this is all hokum,” said Dr. Sheldon Cooper of Caltech. When pressed to explain why, Prof. Cooper sighed heavily and continued, “Even a bad MMORPG has certain core characteristics. Everyone, whether they deserve it or not, gets to take part in epic, virtual world-changing quests. You fight a challenging boss at the end of each level. Most women are actually men. Only someone with a Masters degree could possibly believe our universe has any such characteristics.”

“Doctor. Cooper’s viewpoint presupposes that our universe is an early entry in a successful gaming franchise,” Prof. Thorvoldssen retorted, “but later entries often introduce boring or even nonsensical changes just for the sake of change. Like how even after playing through an entire kingdom's campaign in Dynasty Warriors 7, all the characters you really want to play remain locked out. And Wing Commander: Prophecy? Hel-lo! It's called wing commander, not rookie pilot!

“Unfortunately for his students,” Dr. Cooper responded, “the ‘Mighty’ Thor is also a fan of Babylon 5. Bazinga!”

Other researchers echoed Dr. Cooper's doubts. “I spend my entire life struggling to get grant proposals funded and make good on an underwater mortgage,” whinged Dr. Alan “Post-Doc” Michaelson. “Even The Sims never put its characters through that kind of hell.”

Interviewed by IM in his parent’s basement, avid gamer Seamus Murphy, 32, spoke for many when he exclaimed, “You mean I’m flicking Dorito crumbs off my t-shirt and playing World of Warhammer from inside another MMORPG? Seriously? Hey, Mom! Mom! You hear that?! I am not lazy! It’s that noob playing my character!”

Daryl Musashi could not be reached for comment.