Friday, November 16, 2012

"The Star Wars That I Used To Know"

Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Post-Election Presidential Press Conference: More Lost Footage

"That's an excellent question that deserves a lengthy, detailed response, but on a more personal note, Michelle and I were talking last night about how enchanting it is to be re-elected president. And not simply because the American people have chosen again to trust me with all their hopes and dreams, but because you, the White House Press Corps, continue to show such faith and trust in me as well. Seriously, what other leader in what other country could drone on for months about 'math' and 'arithmetic' while pushing an $80 billion a year tax increase to close a $1.1 trillion yearly deficit and not get asked at his first press conference in  months what he's going to do about the other $1.02 trillion? I love you guys! Next question?"

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

"Our Story in 1 Minute"

The Post-Election Presidential Press Conference: The Lost Footage

"Let me be perfectly clear. I find it reprehensible that Senators McCain and Graham would dare besmirch the good name of UN Ambassador Susan Rice, who had nothing to do with Benghazi, simply because she appeared on every major network in a single day peddling a false narrative that Libya was all about a YouTube video rather than a well-planned, well-executed terrorist attack. If the good senators want to come after someone, they should leave poor Susan Rice alone and come after me for sending the UN Ambassador, who had nothing to do with Benghazi, out to appear on every major network in a single day to peddle a false narrative that Libya was all about a YouTube video rather than a well-planned, well-executed terrorist attack. Now, who wants to ask whether I find Paula Broadwell or Jill Kelly sexier?... Anyone?... Anyone?... You know they're going to ask me this next time I'm on The View. You could have a real scoop here... Anyone?... No?..."

Monday, November 5, 2012

Proposition Painkiller

The drawback of having unexpected oral surgery this morning is that I won't be making any night-before-the-election posts, or any real posts of any sort.

On the plus side, however, I'll be on Vicodin when I go to vote tomorrow.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Barack Obama's Closing Argument

A Phone Call from an Actual Candidate

I got a phone call this morning from an honest-to-god, flesh-and-blood candidate (for state assembly). Not a robo-call. Not a phone bank. Not a campaign volunteer. The actual guy on the ballot.

Of course, his call went to voice mail before I even heard my cell phone ringing.

Mitt Romney's Closing Argument

Saturday, November 3, 2012

California's Sorry Official Sample Ballot

I finally cracked open my California Official Sample Ballot the other night. Quickly flipping past the voting instructions, write-in voting instructions, translated election materials, vote by mail, information for voters, and Voter Bill of Rights pages, I finally reached the start of the ballot itself. And what I saw stopped me cold.

Page 1, of course, is President and Vice President. And on the California ballot, the very first name listed, right at the top, is Roseanne Barr.

Even for California, where Gary Coleman and a porn star once ran for governor, and where Arnold Schwarzenegger was governor, that's just sad.

The Official Sample Ballot fun doesn't stop there, however. California now has non-partisan primaries, so the Democrats and Republicans no longer nominate their own candidates in their own races. It's all just one big jumble now, which has produced some, ah, "unintended consequences," like two Democratic congressmen running against each other for the same House seat. Or this little gem from Page 2 of the ballot:

ELIZABETH EMKEN, Businesswoman/Nonprofit Executive     Party Preference: Republican
DIANNE FEINSTEIN, United States Senator     Party Preference: Democratic

Because Dianne Feinstein isn't really a Democrat, you see, not anymore. And Elizabeth Emken isn't really a Republican. Purge such partisan foolishness from your head! They just happen to "prefer" a particular party, like iced tea over lemonade. So grab your political Arnold Palmer, and drink up!

Orwell would be proud, I think, but maybe I'm expecting too much from California. It has Roseanne Barr at the top of the ballot, after all.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Exclusive Video: The Fifth Presidential Debate

Thursday, November 1, 2012

A Married Conversation About Wheat Bread and Multicultural Baselines

“How is that bread?”

“It’s all right.”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“Nothing. It’s just wheat bread, and I’m a white bread kind of guy.”

“You are so white bread.”

“Hey, there’s no shame in white bread. Multiculturalism includes white bread, too.”

“How did you get multiculturalism from bread?”

“Without white bread people, how would wheat bread people know how diverse they are? And how much cooler they are in comparison to the white bread people? We white bread people are the multicultural baseline.”

“Shut up and eat your baseline, my love.”